Raindrops. That's how much I love you.

2011-02-08T03:12:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry for being a jerk. I could have done things better in many ways, but I didn't. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am.

I think, perhaps you could walk away from this mess learning something. I was every bit just like you when I was your age. Maybe slightly worse, and slightly older too. Being clingy isn't something you learn to forget overnight. It took me a good 4-5 years to get it in my head. The truth is, seeing someone every single day does take away some of the fun after awhile. You run out of things to do, things to talk about, places to go. You just run out of ideas.

I know I made a commitment when I decided to get involved. But I guess time does change people. I admit that. I changed. Dramatically. I just got past the chemo phase. And I was going through the transition from NS life - a simple structured life where everything is planned out for you - to real life - where you start thinking of what you're gonna do next in life.

So I decided that I want to live my dream. I want to fly. If anyone who actually reads this pathetic excuse of a blog, you'll remember the first thing in my to-do list was "Get Wings". It was there from the day I started the blog till early last year. Why? Because health problems along with bad grades, tough recruitment criteria and god knows what else all but crushed that dream of mine. I gave up. I was ashamed I even thought of becoming a pilot. So I was ready to settle for less.

I was also living in the protective shell that I've lived in since the day I was born. I knew that no matter how badly I screwed up, my parents would always be there to clean up my mess. Like the day I lost that ten dollar note on my way down to the coffee shop to get food, slightly over 15 years ago. Or the time I fell and broke my arm. Or the time I left my softball glove on the bus and had to pay 85 bucks for it back in sec 3. Or the time I got the car damaged badly cuz of the freaking Cherokee. And even when I was diagnosed with CA. I always had my parents to fall back on when I got myself into crap.

Also, all my life, I had things planned out for me. First off, I was put through the educational system here. Nursery, kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, followed by poly. Next came NS. For the first two decades of my life, I never had to think any further than the next day. It didn't matter what happened after that. But that mindset, as I found out for myself, ends when you step into the real world. For me, that happened the day after I completed my national service.

I never thought I would ever be able to study overseas. My family's not rich. So when I got turned down by SIT, I was lost. I didn't know what I was going to do next. Not till I talked to puss did my dream of flying came back into my life. And when I found out that it might be possible, I pounced.

I know you think that I'm ruining your life by chasing my dreams, but I've got to be selfish this time. I have to do this for me. I have to go there and live my dream. If I fail, well that would really suck. But at least I tried. It's definitely better than not trying at all.

Talking about dreams, I just watched your videos on youtube. What happened to you? You gave up the one thing that you seemed to love after you met me. I never asked you to give up your music. But you did. The person I fell in love with had passion about music - something that I never did understand. It intrigued me and that fueled my interest. But you gave it all up. Your last video was made almost an entire year back. Why? You are so good at what you do. But you gave it up.

I know I'm probably the last person who should be giving you advice right now, but since I already started, I'm just gonna keep going. You think you suck at everything. You whine about not being good in sports, about not being popular, about having nobody in your life. You always look at the negative side of life. You've never tried looking on the bright side of life. So you're not good in sports. You can play music. That kinda evens out the playing field, right? Nobody in your life? You have friends! I know full well that Joey and Qais were there for you after we broke up. And not to mention family. Fafa's forever trying to hug and kiss you. But you keep pushing her away! Why? Do you need a near death experience before you start treasuring your family? Don't make my mistakes... I got lucky.

You still have a long way to go in life. Please don't give up on the things you love. I'm not included in that.

I used to criticize someone for breaking up when he had to do the whole long distance relationship thing. The truth is, maybe I didn't see the way he did. But right now, I'm seeing what he saw. I'm not too sure about motives though. It's downright difficult loving somebody who's a continent away. I may still be in Singapore. But the continent separated us the day I decided that I wanted to fly.

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I hope that someday, you'll forgive me. Till then, I think we should stay away from each other. Every word from me will give you that false hope that things between us could still work out. And it's not going to do you any good. So if you don't hear from me in awhile, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I do. Goodbye. And thank you for all the sweet memories.

It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point crosses the line to become obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. Even if it's for the better.

2010-05-28T11:12:00.000+08:00

2010-05-17T10:33:00.002+08:00

During the course of our lives, we always notice the imperfection of others. Their flaws. Hips too wide. Messed up teeth. Attention whore. Too short. Too tall. Too thin. Too fat. Ugly. Smelly. Too quiet. Noisy. Bad breath. Overly long arms. Balding. Hairy. Pigmented skin. You name it. We can look at anyone and say something about them that bothers us. All the freakin time.

We. Yes. I'm guilty.

But sometimes, when the right person comes along, irregardless of whether the person knows you or not, you just miss the flaws. Said person becomes the most perfect thing you've ever seen in life. Or maybe you dont miss the flaws, but who cares? It doesnt bother you. The person's perfect, right?

So here I am, the most biased person that I happen to know, staring at this girl. Flaws? Many. Perfect? Nowhere close. You're better than the girl of my dreams. You're real.

**********

I'm sick of you and your fucked up attitude. Do we have to shoulder all your goddamn responsibilities just cuz you've got bigger, much more important commitments on the side? You escaped one very very close call last week. Keep this shit up and it WILL happen for real. Trust me. Everyone's just about had enough crap from you.

And no. I may be the youngest, the newest member of the team, but I will not stand for your shit. You're not my boss. I do not recognise your authority over me.

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.

2010-05-11T16:39:00.002+08:00

Sleeping positions - The 6 most common sleeping positions are: Foetus, Log, Yearner, Soldier, Freefaller, and Starfish. (According to a report on Yahoo!, your sleeping position says alot about what kind of person you are.)

Personally, I sleep in many many different positions. But mostly, I'm the Foetus, the Freefaller, and the Starfish.

Foetus position: The most common sleeping position, where you're lying on yoru side, legs curled towards your chest, making you look like a foetus, and thus, the name. These sleepers are said to have a tough exterior but are sensitive and may appear to be shy but warm up quickly.

How true? Tough exterior, check. Sensitive? Maybe. Appear to be shy, hell no. Warm up quickly, depends on the situation and personality of the other person.

Freefall position: Involves lying on the belly with arms under or wrapped around a pillow with head turned to the side. Freefallers are brash, outgoing, and are very uncomfortable with criticism.

Heck yeah lol so true.

Starfish position: Sleepers who lie on their backs with arms up near their head or the pillow. These people are good listeners, helpful, and are uncomfortable being the center of attention.

Lol so not true.

The test of love is not when we are together. It comes when we are not together and realize that despite the distance, love is still there.

2010-05-04T20:25:00.000+08:00

What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, ‘This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!’ Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, ‘Never have I heard anything more divine’?

2010-05-02T23:25:00.000+08:00

I give up.

After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth, and you learn, and you learn, and you learn...

2010-05-01T19:45:00.001+08:00

I hate you. I knew it was a big mistake...

I thought when love for you died, I should die. It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.

2010-04-30T21:21:00.001+08:00

2010-04-29T22:35:00.003+08:00

In sickness or in health, I'll always love you... No smart as quotes tonight. Too tired.

Or not.

So long as the day ends with the mere thought of you, my day's perfect.

2010-04-28T21:25:00.004+08:00

Forgot to mention. Last night, I slept at 745pm. Body was aching up, temp going up - my body's way of saying "Dude, you are so screwed. Fever coming!". And I was right. I woke up shortly past midnight with a fever. I went straight to the toilet and stood under the shower bar for a good ten minutes or so. Downed an entires 1.5l bottle of ice water, and went back to sleep. Woke up this morning feeling awesome. See. When I get sick, I stop feeling sick, and be awesome instead. Lol.

My princess is down with the same thing today. Her body was burning. But stubborn. Dont want to get the shower I recommended. Well at least she's resting right now. Hate seeing her like that... Get well soon princess.

And now. I'm feeling the little aches coming again. I'm gonna gulp down some dinner, drink alot of water, maybe take some pills, and stop being sick. I'm gonna be awesome instead. Goodnight sweet world.

Give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.... I wanna grow old with you... (Dont drink! Just part of the song lol.)

2010-04-26T22:17:00.002+08:00

As I sit here thinking of a way to express myself, trying to find the right words to say to justify how I feel about you, my eyes wander around my room...

The green metallic can. The shirt. The camera, which was totally named after you. The pencil. The wallpaper on my lappy. The wallpaper on my phone. The jacket you picked out for me, once upon a time. The only chat window open on my desktop. My jacket. The letter titled 'Read Me'. The dry wet-tissues. Your face on my screen. Your voice from my speakers.

Simply put, everywhere I turn in my room, I see some part of you that's grown onto me. And it's like that because I want it that way. I want you to be a part of even the most mundane parts of my life.

You're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I want to kiss goodnight. Every morning, and every night.

I don't think I can find the words to justify this. So let's put it in a song...

It's early in the morning
And my heart is really lonely
Just thinkin bout you baby
Got me twisted in the head
And I don't know how to take it
But it's driving me so crazy
I don't know if its right
I'm tossin turning in my bed
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinkin bout your beauty it makes me weak...
I'm feeling hopeless in my home
I dont know what to do but I think I'm in love...

The first month of forever. I love you.

Hey. Life sucks without you. I miss you. Of course I miss you. I knew that I would, but it's not like a "Hey, we had some great times." you know, "Keep in touch." kind of thing. It was more like "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I forget what it feels like to laugh" kind of thing. And I really think that when you left, you took my heart with you...

2010-04-25T20:06:00.002+08:00

First Sunday ever that went along soo smoothly. The planning started last night. The list of things to do came into existence. It started with the normal 3 things: Laundry, Clean Room, and Iron Uniform.

Woke up early today, acted as alarm clock for someone cute. And lazed around till noon. Managed to add things to the to-do list. And it ended up with a total of 12 things to be done.

Somehow, with all the slacking and stuff, 10 out of the 12 things on the list were done! Haha. Awesome. If only I had the ability to stick to my plans properly all the time...

Webcam's been on the entire day! I'm so in love with the person on the other end of the internet connection... :)

Oh yeah. Special occasion. So sorry we couldnt meet up today... But technically, we did spend our day together, even if it was on the opposite ends of screens... I love you, ikapea.

Okay. Now we're both guitar heroing. I'm really guitar heroing... And she's... Just pretending to be one. Lol.

You're the music of my life... Please don't mute me... Haha.

2010-04-25T02:53:00.003+08:00

All it takes is that empty spot next to you, my arm around you, your arm around me, and three words - and my world is complete. Thanks darling.

Everyday when I'm with you, I love you a little more.

2010-04-23T23:14:00.002+08:00

I hate being bossed around. By anyone other than you. Haha. Love you. Now will you please go and sleep! =D

Take my hand. Take my whole life too.

2010-04-23T22:34:00.001+08:00

Six Truths About Life:

1) You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3) And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4) You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5) You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6) There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Haha. Thanks alot Syafe.

Apologizing;- Does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

2010-04-20T20:56:00.001+08:00

I'm tired. But I love you darling.

Don't let the voice in your head define who you are.

2010-04-19T20:43:00.002+08:00

I've noticed that there are so many girls out there that are prettier, cuter, hotter, sexier, and sweeter than you. By a great margin, might I add. But somehow, against all odds, you're the only one that's always on my mind.

To me, you are pretty, You'r cute. You're hot. You're sexy. You're sweet. You're kind. You're caring. You're everything I've ever wanted, and everything I'll always want. I know other people are reading this thing so I'll stop being mushy. Oh wait. I love you, darling.

So there are people out there wondering who in the world is this elusive girlfriend person I've been going on and on and on about these past few weeks. Well. It's not time to say, but I will tell you the story of how we met.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

There was a cute girl. In a red dress, at a grand ball, with a guitar slung across her chest. The girl had a very dark secret... She was a prisoner. But she had found a way to escape from her cell. So long as she returned every night, nobody would ever know her secret. Untill one day, an old man noticed something peculiar about the way she dressed. Somehow, when surrounded by people with other clothing, that horizontal-striped-black-and-pink shirt looked normal. But the old man, wise from the many years he had lived, knew that something was amiss. And then it hit him. Pink, black, pink, black. This girl was a prisoner on the run! The shock from this revelation caused his heart to skip a few beats. And then the old man had a heart attack, died, and everybody lived happily ever after. The end.

Sorry bout that. Brain dead. Haha.

But that really was how we met. A guitar performance, a cute girl, a prison uniform, and an old man.

You're like a drug to me. No. Not a drug. Not a want. A need. You're like the air to me. The sun. And you balance out the clouds nicely for me. And by that, I mean that I can't live without you.

Haha. Twilight quotes. Pathetic. Just one more?

And so you asked me, do I love you? My answer? Of course I do, you silly beautiful, oversensitive girl. Doesn't everyone? I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake... You're too desirable for your own good darling.

To think that a simple 'I love you' would have summarised everything I said lol. So. I love you.

I don't want this love to be my secret anymore...

2010-04-18T21:56:00.002+08:00

Woah. That's the only way I can describe today.

Met zan, bladed blablabla. Met Dan, fly kite, rained, wtv blablabla. Met Gaby, took pics, kiss kiss, blablabla. Dinner, angry whopper, blablabla.

Was walking back to the car after dinner when tati said "Eh you medic right? Go help ah!". I didn't see the guy sprawled on a chair at McCafe. So I went up to the people there and asked what was going on lah. Typical Singaporean behaviour.

The guy's daughter asked if I was medically trained. And this big goondu said yes. Haiz.

Laid him down on the ground, checked pulse and breathing. And I saw the weirdest thing ever. Breathing was there but no pulse. ??!????!???

Already so long out of practice, kena trick question, wah. Started panicking. Called my paramedic up to ask for advice. Made my decision, started CPR.

I was hoping and hoping the darn red and white light would appear round the corner, but it didn't. In the end, the lifeguards from Wile Wild Wet arrived with AED and O2. I stayed till one of them offered to take over. Boy was I relieved he offered.

Well I hope he makes it. I hope somehow, in the smallest of ways, I made a difference. Otherwise, my condolences to the family of this stranger. Haiz.

On a completely different note, thank you darling. For everything. And you're not the lucky one. I am. And you complete mine too. Let's not forget to mention how you make me smile when I'm in the crappiest of moods.

Erm. Tshirt thing. Too bad it can only go one way... If I wear yours... Well imagine The Hulk tearing up the clothes he was in. Something like that. Minus all the rippling muscles. Not cute. Lol.

Love you. With all my heart. Forever and ever babe.

Wouldn't it be the perfect crime, if I stole your heart, and you stole mine?

2010-04-17T21:23:00.001+08:00

Don't forget the day that we met. It changed history. At least for me.

2010-04-17T19:33:00.002+08:00

I feel so peculiar, I don't know what to say.
But don't let me fool ya, I'm not one bit afraid.

One thing's for sure.
What I would give to simply open my door,
And see your smiling face.

Hello, hello, won't you come right in?
I'd give anything just to see you again.
Hello, hello, won't you come right in?
Step into my world, where you know you're everything.
Everything I need.

I'm suddenly hopeful whenever you're in sight,
That's right.
I talk about you all day, whisper your name at night,
That's right.

Whatever you need.
What I would give if you should ask it of me,
To make you feel complete.

Hello, hello, won't you come right in?
I'd give anything just to see you again.
Hello, hello, won't you come right in?
Step into my world, where you know you're everything.
Everything I need.

I could go on and on and on,
Do it again, again, again.
Whisper your name, your name, your name.
Would you do the same for me?

It's so hard to not miss you when there's such an empty space when you're gone.

2010-04-15T22:11:00.003+08:00

Half day off from work! And then there were 8 days left of leave till ORD in September...

Spent the day with the girlfriend. Happy happy.

"Nah. Baby wipes. Eh no. Actually wet tissues. But it's dry. *grins* ". Argh. So unimaginably cute. And uh. You should really consider emptying your bag from time to time darling. Wet tissue from last year's camp? Not so bad. But wet tissue from last year's January camp? Tsktsktsk.

Weather was... Totally random. Morning was okay, noon was hot as hell, evening was raining heavily. The rain kinda spoilt our evening plans...

The plan: Catch the sunset. Not too easy when the sun's obscured by thunderclouds and heavy rain. Not possible at all actually. But as fate would have it, the rain stopped and the sun made a short and glorious appearance before setting. And I mean it. It was short. We saw the sun, we exchanged about 3 or 4 sentences, and the sun was gone. Lol.

Still. Our first sunset together. =)

Oh. There was lightning and thunder, did I mention that?

Me: (Hands peanut the digicam) I got a mission for you. Catch (a picture of) lightning.
Peanut: *winds down window*
Me: Oi!

Haha. So cute.

PS: I took half day off to ESCAPE from work. But office called me at least 7 times while I was off duty. WTF?!? Aircon off, call me to ask for aircon controller. Aircon on, someone else called me to ask for controller. Then call me AGAIN to TELL me that you used the controller from the watchroom. Then called me AGAIN to tell me to get stuff from someone tmr. Serious wtfness.

I hope to someday find the one who will watch every sunrise with me till the sunset of my life. Have I found her? I hope so.

2010-04-14T21:17:00.002+08:00

"If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible."

It does sound like I wrote the thing all by myself, about myself, doesn't it?

Secret #19 - People keep asking me what I want to do with my life and all I can think of is: Be with you.

2010-04-13T16:03:00.002+08:00

There arent many ways you get to express yourself when there are so many restrictions - all in the spirit of discreetness. So I'm left with no choice but to think outside the box. Here goes.

Ana behibek. Volim te ba. Eu te amo. Obicham te. Bon sro lanh oon. Ngo oi ney. Miluji te. Jeg elsker dig. Ik hou van jou. Mi amas vin. Tora dust midaram. Je t'aime. Ich liebe dich. S'agapo. Aloha wau ia 'oe. Ani ohev otach. Main tumse pyar karta hun. Gwa ai di. Naan unnai khadalikkeren. Kulo tresno panjenengan. Ti amo. Kimi o ai shiteru. Tangsinul sarang ha yo. Te amo. Mahal kita. Eu amo-te. Te quiero. Phom rak khun. Seni seviyorum.

I want to be the place in your heart you can never let go of.

2010-04-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

Finally, after over a month, I met my princess! That initial unsure look she gave me, and the shy smile when recognition followed, was just one of the many reasons why I'm in love with the kid. She was out cycling at Pasir Ris Park with her parents, and I was on my way home from interchange on my bike, so I decided to drop by and say hi.

Okay I'm having a really hard time stringing words together tonight. Don't really have the mood to blog. Guess my brain's really having one heck of a Sunday... And I'm posting this for peanut. Haha.

The thoughts and words are coming erratically tonight. Good luck sorting out the things I'm talking about lol.

So I've been too busy lately to do things like meeting up with my cousins, friends and doing stuff like chores. Work and illegal activities are part of what's taking up most of my time. But above all else, the one thing that's keeping me busy is the cute little girl who waltzed her way into my life. This seriously doesn't count as complaining. Who complains about things that make them happy in life, right?

To my dearest cousins, I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you much lately, but we all have our priorities, right? I heard about Adhe and Ashok. I hope they're both okay... And hopefully I'll go over to chek tok's soon...

According to the contractors, the aircon in the admin office at my workplace will be ready by tmr! Hell yeah. Been waiting for this day for over a month! Are we finally able to wear jackets at work? Only time can tell. Let's hope yes.

"Eeeeeee >>>>>" Amazing you got what I meant lol.

Finally, to the person who I think of the first thing I wake up, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight, I lo... Oh wait. People actually read this pathetic excuse of a blog. Let's not get mushy. I adore you, peanut. Let's leave it at that.

To my unsung heroine Krystle, the brains behind many the quotes I use, thank you.

2010-04-08T22:29:00.002+08:00

To the sweetest, most adorable girlfriend ever, I love you. Thanks for the surprise :)

Everything you are made me everything I am.

2010-04-07T15:25:00.002+08:00

I'm bored out of my mind in the office. I've finished all the work people have been shooting at me, I've done the exchanges people requested - which, by the way, happens to not be in my job scope - and so I'm done for the day. Just gotta wait out the next few hours before my Illegal Activity starts.

(space)

Listening to the old music in my lappy. Right now the goo goo dolls are singing. Awesome song, Iris. Eh that reminds me of my friend during my poly days! Ah-the-papa Banny Ang Kim Siong's girlfriend.

Oh yeah and that reminds me... MMFO prep camp started 2 days ago! Argh. I'll only be able to go down on Friday night! That's when they're having the nightwalk. And I plan to get some inspiration for sports capt nightwalk from there... *rubs hands together with evil look on face*

Very long time since I went to SP. I'm not even sure I'll know anyone there. How long has it been since I graduated ah? 2 years? Somehow poly memories seem to be more distant than the ones from TMS. Maybe it has something to do with the distance away from home k not funny nvm.

Everyone said poly is the place where you will make the friends you remember for life. Somehow, against all odds, I'm closer to the guys who went thru secondary school with me. Puss, Zan, Aswaan, Uso, Izzat, Arep, among others.

(Space)

I feel like I'm playing survivor right now with my office friends. The objective is to not fall asleep. Same old survivor rules: Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. Winner gets to stay out of DB. Losers good luck in DB. Haha.

K. Getting really braindead now. Feel like heading to the store for a short nap, so I'll be fresh for my Illegal Activity later.

Argh k. Time to go. OC just left! Eh wait. Illegal Activity! Crap. No point leaving :(

This post was all about you. Can you see it? =D

2010-04-05T20:31:00.002+08:00

Today, I saw a boy, about 8 years of age, throwing a tantrum cuz his mum wouldn't buy him this drink he wanted. I wonder, would my child be like that some day? I hope not. I hope I find a way to discipline my children enough so that they don't turn into little devils, yet at the same time, give them enough room to be independent. Sure feels impossible, but maybe, just maybe someday I'll get the formula right.

Q brought this topic up on facebook: Something Bin Fawwaz is gonna sound soooo weird!! Omg I look at that and I get shivers down my spine lol.

A few seconds after the spoilt kid scene, something else happened that made me open my eyes and mind. This guy, who looked slightly mentally challenged was selling these bookmark things. And people at the coffeeshop kept saying no to him. And it was really a very pitiful sight.

I usually say no to people who sell tissues and soft toys and what nots at makan places. Not to stinge lah, but sometimes I just dont need the stuff. But somehow, I think it's time to be a better person. It's time to be charitable. Even if it's just a small amount. I'm sure it'll make someone's day.

Anyway, I gave the guy some money and he sounded so thankful. It really felt good... =D

You just get me. You can stomach all my rubbish, you can tease me right back, you know when to say the right things, you know how to make my heart melt. Nobody's perfect, but it seems like this is as close to perfect as it can get. And that smile! It's just something you don't get over. Ever. Takes my breath away every single time. And it's (the smile) highly contagious!

My love for you will never end. You'll always be a part of me. As long as time keeps on passin' by, you'll always be my baby girl.

2010-04-03T22:56:00.003+08:00

We had a discussion about how we've never fought before. True, we barely have anything to fight about - we get along seamlessly. And so came along the prediction of what our first fight would be about. We were totally running on the same frequency lol. The most childish of answers, yet it got us giggling like little girls. (Well one was a little girl, the other was giggling like one. Giggling little girl with hairy legs... Urgh. Visuals.)

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cuz you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're gonna shake me
Ooh darling cuz you'll always be my baby...

I used to look at her feet and think she always picked the perfect nail polish.. Staring at her jaw line and her eyelashes, she was exactly how I always pictured my girlfriend to look. Flipping her hair to one side, her mouth half open, she looked up from her book, paused and said with a snip, "What!?!".

"I'm just looking." I countered, startled I was caught in mid-lurker gaze. Thruth is, I wanted her to notice because I was too much of a pussy to look at her head on for any other reason. This is the moment that I remember. The moment that was the most intense. The moment both of our faces looked at each other head on. The drives, the movies, the kisses... You never realize just how rare it is to have two people look directly at each another.

I took advantage of the moment; I breathed in her exhale and felt the swoon they speak of in books. Like your hair is slowly melting across your forehead causing your eyes to close and your chin to lift.
God himself couldn't envision anything so pristine.
She was made for forehead kisses.
She was made to accentuate reflected light.
She was made to float when she walked.
She was made good.
Good enough to love someone who didn't deserve her love.

She was made for me.

2010-03-31T22:31:00.003+08:00

Why do I get this very strange feeling that the Shan, Rozz & Ris drama that's going on at 987fm is nothing but a very big April Fool's joke? My gut is just pointing me in that direction for some reason. We'll see what tmr brings I guess...

__________

A HATE LETTER TO THE POWER OF MINUS ONE (As written by Rozz)

Dear little cute as hell girl,

Hmm. Not a very impactful compliment. I'm much more romantic when I'm allowed to say more specific things about you. You see the trouble is, due to the discreet nature of our relationship, being specific wouldn't be the best idea in the entire world; but please know that loads of silent I-love-yous, hugs and kisses are being sent your way as I'm typing this, courtesy of yours truly of course.

I've met many types of lovely people in my life: The soft spoken, the hopeless romantic, the eternally loving one... and guess what? You are amazingly ALL THAT ROLLED INTO ONE BREATHING LIFEFORM - and the awesomest one too at that.

You are the manifestation of all that is right for me in this world.

I'm so glad that you've finally decided to grace me with your presence.

Love always,

Waz.

( Source: http://987rozz.wordpress.com/2010/02/09/a-hate-letter/ )

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be

2010-03-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

I adore you in every single way. From your sudden sighing outburts, to the way you cut all your nuggets in half, eat half then cannot finish. Even your burps are adorable. Okay okay Im biased. Just trying to emphasise my point.

Thanks for walking into my life peanut. Even till you become a chore, I will still remain here for more.

As for the people watching from the sidelines, making snide remarks, judging people for the things they do, get a move on. I get your point of view but making her life miserable by saying the things you say? Not cool. You're supposed to be her friends for god's sakes.

There are many people out there who will tell us that we can't. What we've got to do is turn our back on them and say "Watch us.".

2010-03-29T22:55:00.002+08:00

And so, for the first time in.... I have no idea how long, 2 blog posts in a day - only because a certain cute someone asked.

I have no idea what to write lol. Everything's supposed to be hush hush so I guess I cant say much.

I love you peanut. More than words. =)

The best solutions are usually the cleverest. They are also usually wrong.

2010-03-29T19:15:00.002+08:00

Thrash talking. Men really go alittle too far overboard when they get together for a thrash talking session. Or rather, in the more familiar uncle-lepak-at-coffeeshop terms - Talking cock.

My friends brought the term "Talking Cock" to a whole literal level today, I swear. One of them just got laid after a 3 month hiatus and he was describing the sexcapade in detail. God...

So anyway, it appears most of my friends are attached. And they have girls they're seeing on the side. Lol. I guess infidelity starts at a young age nowadays huh.

So I just sat there listening to the exchanges going on, I'm sure with a weird look on my face.

Do most men really do that? That's really... Disturbing.

Here's to, erm, staying on the right path. One and only. Ikapea.

Wanting to be someone you're not is a waste of the person you are

2010-03-27T11:19:00.002+08:00

Right here, right now, I'm lookin' at you and my heart loves the view cuz you mean everything...

And in the spirit of discreetness, I'm just going to say this: I love you.

Your I miss you repeated over and over thing was cute lol. <3

For once in my life, I don't have to try to be happy. When I'm with you, it just happens.

2010-03-21T23:04:00.002+08:00

I am sick and tired of being the puppy that keeps getting kicked around. After 21 years of almost endless bullshit, the puppy's grown up, it's found it's bark, and realised that it's got claws, and sharp teeth to boot.

If the puppy treats the sofa like a scratchign post, you scold it, okay. Puppy's wrong. If the puppy craps outside the litterbox, you scold it, okay. If the puppy breaks a vase, you scold it, still okay.

But if the puppy wants to play with the damn chew toy and you say no, and the reason you give is "Because I said no.", well that's just shitty.

There's only so many times you can kick the puppy before it starts to learn to not be nice and go back to you.

So. I give you fair warning - push the puppy too far, and it's gonna run at you, barking, scratching and biting. Sure you can kick the damn puppy out of the house after that, but is that really what you want? Your choice.

Just remember that 5 letter word - KARMA. Abuse the puppy today, and someday some other bitch is gonna bite you in the ass.

If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

2010-03-20T11:49:00.002+08:00

Let's call this the Perfect Sunday Morning Rant.

It's almost noon, weather's awesome - raining, and it's still pretty dark out, for once. This is how every Perfect Sunday should start.

So anyway let's get down to it.

I'm scared of falling. Because every single one of the previous falls went the same way - the introduction, the mutual attraction, the fall, the good days, the bad days, and bam, goodbye. So yes, I'm scared.

What if, one fine morning, you wake up to find that you don't love me anymore? I don't think I'll survive a goodbye again...

Sure, everything's good now, but what about months down the road, though years would be what I'm hoping for, if not forever. And I dont want to deprive you of your growing up years, making the mistakes every teenager makes, seeing things, experiencing things people your age go through.

This is getting a little conflicted. So here's the bottomline: I love you. But please, tell me you love me back only if you mean it, with no goodbye in sight.

Not too shabby for a Perfect Sunday Morning Rant huh. Except it's a saturday. Lol.

This is why you should be making full use of your friday nights - the weekends feel longer. And since time flies when you're having fun... Well, make use of every passing second. Yes, darling. Worth every second.

Who cares if we fall in love too easily, right? Not if it lasts forever?

I sound stupid.

If you are not willing to sound stupid, then you don't deserve to be in love.

2010-03-20T00:53:00.002+08:00

Said the passing old lady to me, "Beware a cute, dimpled guitar hero. She'll steal your heart.". She was right.

Stop telling God how big your problems are. Start telling your problems how big your God is.

2010-03-10T20:48:00.003+08:00

The day started off rather unusually - with the pitter patter of raindrops. And so I thought hey, maybe it was gonna be a good day - the heat's been terrible the past few weeks and so I thought the rain could possibly lower the temperature by a few degrees.

Boy have I ever been more wrong.

I was panicking when I reached station to discover that my cap was missing. Okay, small matter. Nevermind.

Next, went to HQ. I had Khurshed's cap with me. But I forgot to bring along a card holder. They made a biiig fuss about that. Okay, nevermind. Then the provost on duty was one rude son of a momo, not one bit of courtesy. Okay, nevermind. On our way out, while climbing into the truck, the buckle holding my cap (Khurshed's) somehow came loose. And I dropped his cap. In SCDF HQ!

I hate losing people's stuff. It's damn irresponsible, irregardless of the reason. So I was feeling worried, guilty and irritated the whole day. That sucked.

On with the story. On my way home, my ez-link card ran out of money. I was at the bus stop at the tip of Pasir Ris, with no coins, nobody around, and a looong loooong walk home.

Reached home, somehow spilt sambal on my keyboard.

Left home to go and buy new caps for Khurshed and myself, knocked my thigh into the gate on my way out of the house. I'm not exactly capable of moving slowly when I'm walking. And that, coupled with the amount of mass I have.... Well it left a huge mark on my thigh lah ahh.

On the way to beach road, went into KPE and took the wrong exit. I didn end up lost, but I had to make one loooong detour. Geez.

With all that behind me, I wouldn't have been surprised to reach Beach Road to find the shops burning down. But somehow it turned out okay. Oh well. Guess there's a cap on the number of crappy things that can happen to you in a day huh?

Well... Not exactly. On my way out of the car when I got back home, I banged my knee into the little compartment where we store the cashcards and whatnots. One nice bang straight into the kneecap and I was hopping out of the car cursing silently in 3 languages. Well, for once, it looked like a disabled driver was getting out of the car parked at the disabled driver's parking lot. Kudos.

I really appreciate your help darling. Thank you. But it's like giving someone a band-aid for a bullet wound...

2010-03-04T22:45:00.002+08:00

The sporty-chinese-ponytailed image was the dream. But somehow it never happened. Why. Haha.

You can't run away from your past. So before you let it ruin your future, you might try living with it.

2010-03-02T20:32:00.002+08:00

Back to work! Spent the whole of yesterday at 3rd Div. Terribly boring. There was completely no work for me to do. And nobody I knew. And many many many officers walking in and out of the office. I was praying damn hard they'd kick me out of there and send me to my old station. I kinda begged Capt K to transfer me back. Thank god my OC said okay.

Reported at Sengkang Fire Station today - Yes, my old station. Place looks so much better now. Newly painted walls, aircon in the paramedic's office, a few other things. Thought I was gonna hate the admin post. But frankly, it might turn out to be okay after all. We'll see. Oh and the new aircon for admin office better come soon. Possible to die of heat stroke in there. I swear.

**********

"Almost had you,
But I guess that doesn't cut it.
Almost loved you,
And I almost wish you would've love me too."

Haha. True story. xD

No. Not you. Really. Not you. The other one.

**********

The girls around me are guy-obsessed. There's the lawyer and her turkish nerds. And then there's the material girl with her good looking ang mohs. And the little pea with her Mutant Proffessor X. And the lesbo and her not-MANly-at-all boyfriend. And then there's the fish with the starbucks boy thing. Lol.

Snap out of it ika pea.

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough. - Dinah Shore

2010-02-28T20:40:00.002+08:00

Well, the start of a whole new era. The Chosen One returns to work tmr - in a uniform that can barely fit. The first thing I'm gonna do is get a change of uniform. Secondly, beg for my old job back. Haha. I hope Capt K layans me man...

Why do we even bother?

This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.

2010-02-23T19:42:00.002+08:00

Your dependence on the people in your comfort zone is just pathetic. One day, you'll see that I was right. One day you'll see that those people that you think you love so much will turn their backs on you. Oh, wait, are they already doing it now? Lol.

Sorry to bring you so harshly back to reality honey, but this high you're feeling won't last forever. Trust me, been there, done that. They'll walk out sooner or later. So snap out of it.

I've met some weird characters in my life. But never have I met someone quite as... how do I phrase this... Unreal? Superficial? Eccentric? I cant seem to find the perfect word. Queer? I dont know.

All I know is, despite all that, something about you still attracts me. It's really disturbing lol.

**********

Kite flying with my juniors was awesome. Ikapi Momo and Zaki.

Sure it rained down on us, and Ika was kinda shy at the start but we got over it. Our sense of fun overpowered all that awkwardness. We are au sm.

Outing again soon!

The stillness was peaceful - not like the calm before the tempest, but like a clear night untouched by even the dream of a storm.

2010-02-22T22:26:00.001+08:00

"If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible. " - Quoted from Krys's Blog

It seems that you want me only when you can't have me. You like the chase and that's all. So you know what? You can have it.

2010-02-17T02:09:00.002+08:00

And so we had our Crab Party... A day out at the beach with the entire extended family, lazing around, eating crab that Chek Tok cooked, flying kites, making tiny sandcastles, pitching tents, playing some softball, and above everything else - approximately a hundred time above - camwhoring.

Yes. In the 7-8 hours that we were there, my sister and cousins managed to take over 750 pictures using Kelly. And another 150 odd on Ikapi. Madness.

Well point was we had crazy fun that day. At least I hope so. Was tired out though by the end of the day. Knocked out a few seconds after 10 o'clock.

**********

Someone just turned 14! Getting old! =D

Dont let it get to you dear. Best wishes from the old man.

**********

Chinese New Year & Valentine's Day.

With the exception of the visit to Krystle's place and the near death experience, nothing remotely interesting happened that day...

Krystle's place was fun. She has an aura that eliminates any awkwardness and make strangers feel completely at ease in each other's company. Awesome. Except that girl made me eat blue cheese. Urgh. Eww. Lucky she had dimples or I'd have killed her. Tasted horrible!

Near death experience. The brake pedal in the van got stuck somehow. But luck was on my side that day. I dont know how to describe it. I was just lucky on so many counts that day...

Oh and there's the mystery of the extra 50 bucks. I withdrew some cash from the ATM and somehow, even after double checking the transaction history, I found an extra 50 dollar note. Do ATMs ever give out the wrong amount of money? Hmm.

**********

Outing with the guys. Dinnered at Simpang, and then on to Granlink for some LAN Gaming! Haha. Felt like we were teenagers all over again... Awesome stuff.

And now alittle nostalgic about DoTA. Damn.

I don't know what's worse - not being able to tell you how I feel, or knowing you'll never feel the same.

2010-02-11T21:03:00.002+08:00

BOUGHT NEW TOYS!!!

I finally got my DSLR (EOS 500D), Digicam (IXUS 120IS), External HDD and bat.

I have yet to name my two babies. Two people have suggested using their names for my babies. Haha. We'll see. It's gonna take some inspiration... I need the perfect name! Like Rachel. Turned out to be the most perfect name for my lappy. Like the person it was named after, it's hot, beautiful, and has an attitude problem from time to time. Lol.

Been itching to test out the bat! But I gotta wait till the weekend...

Oh and I wont be getting my iPhone till July. Got to use the line for a year before I can do any upgrading... Haiz. I hope Kelly's right. She said iPhone 4G might be coming out around that time ^^

Dinnered at Seoul Garden last night. Alia's parents found out about this 50% discount offer and she told me. And I told my mum. And so our families ended up meeting at ehub's outlet. Some people jakun with the new toy so he snapped pictures of us there. Once uploaded to facebook, people thought we had a planned outing together. Lol.

Been working on the room the past few days. Hacking floor tiles is one heck of a back-breaking task man... Especially when the only tools I used were a screw driver and a hammer to chip away the tiles one little baby bit at a time. The muscles in my right arm are giving up on me thanks to the number of times I had to swing the damn hammer. Oh and did I mention I broke a hammer twice? Lol. That's how much force I was using ffs.

The difference between guys and girls - guys regret the girls they don't sleep with. Girls regret the guys they do sleep with.

2010-02-06T16:51:00.004+08:00

Things to do with insurance money:
1) Buy a puppy.
2) Be a shareholder of some sort.
3) Buy shares from Manchester United FC.
4) Loan money to people who need it.
5) Tax 250% to abovementioned people. Per day.
6) Buy a second puppy so the first one wont feel lonely.
7) Get married.
8) Buy a car.
9) Pimp said car.
10) Make my own "Paranormal Activity" movie.

This is NOT Fawwaz. But I hear he's awesome.

2010-02-06T01:03:00.002+08:00

Sushi-ed with Dan yesterday! She was tired out after school but she decided to tag along. The kid's being influenced by me! She now eats kani makis, hotates, fried tofu, etc. And she ate ALOT for her size. Her tummy was visibly bloated lol. Udon, chawanmushi, her fish roe thing. I have no idea what else.

After eating her share, she whispered to me "Abang, I tired. I want to sleep.". So cute. So she curled up in my lap and didn fall asleep. No idea why.

Went get Gummeh for manaal nawal. I gave up on Gummeh ever since chemo. That heavenly tingly sensation never came back for some reason. Sad. That was my favourite junk food of all time.

**********

Bowling with the cousins!

Lets see... Who was there... According to age, in descending order:
Wo
Cicik
Kak Long
Me
Min
Nab
Bakar
Zafar
Ameerah
Atiqah
Along
Manaal
Ali
Ajin
Ala
Nawal

Haha. Crazy fun. Injured my thumb though. Blood clot there thanks to a chip in the bowling ball. And the area above my knee hurts like a &!+(# for god knows what reason. Twist wrong way maybe. Anyway. Thank you cicik for blanjaing us. Or was it Min? Thanks either way!

Met Gups at the bowling alley! Haha. Totally unexpected.

Cicik and Kak Long going back Aussie tmr! :(

**********

SOMEONE FINALLY PASSED HER DRIVING TEST!!! (After a few years, a few thousand dollars and many many many many tears...) CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Shut up Alia Fatin.

I like you so much better when you're naked. - Grey's Anatomy, I think.

2010-02-03T22:42:00.003+08:00

How cute are these boots?

Syakirah Sinin used the "I'm going back home soon" card on me today! Wth!

Oh and I said I'd go for that ubin trip only if she brings along a hot chinese girl, preferably below a certain age along. Lol! Hilarious.

Shut up Alia Fatin.

Okay ran out of How I Met Your Mother episodes. Waiting on zan to pass me season 4. His birthday's tmr btw. Lol. 22. Old as freakin hell!

Currently watching Smallville. One hot serial chick to another. Haiz. Yes junior. Me and my hot girls. It's a natural thing. Not hot guys lol. That's just wrong.

Sometimes you forget the simpler, smaller things in life - like seating in the front seat of a car when you're 8, feeling all grown up.

Moose. Ah ah ah moose.

Before you marry Miss Right, check for her first name. It could be "Always". (HaAliaHa)

2010-02-02T22:48:00.002+08:00

Shut up Alia Fatin.

Announcement: I AM UNOFFICIALLY CANCER FREE!!!

Yes, yes. Radiotherapy ended last friday. Woooo! Scan will be done in March and only then will it be official! Woo.

Stilllll waiting for my money to come in. I have no idea why Im so excited, maybe it's the iPhone? Haha. And someONE has been corrupting my mind. iPad lah, Macbook lah, all sorts of ideas she giving me. Thanks ah!

I lost someone. Sobs.

I need to go out with people soon! Before I freakin run out of MC! Argh.

Sunburnt. And all that peeling skin is causing alot of itchiness. Grr.

Been watching How I Met Your Mother. Barney Stinson is my new idol! Because I am Au Sm!

So for once, TWO quotes.

Because despite what baseball, strippers and hand guns can do to help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. - Ted Mosby

Shut up Alia Fatin.

Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all - Kurt Cobain

2010-01-26T23:35:00.002+08:00

Possibly the cruelest, sweetest thing I've ever done to date. Yes, ladies and gents, I broke the retarded artist barrier in me. What the heck was I thinking? Oh well. Happy birthday 1.5!

Health insurance claim went thru! AIA's gonna give me money! Yay! And the first thing I'm going to do with the cash is... Treat my family! Second is to get my damn iPhone! Hehe.

I'm losing my patience with the people I love lately. I dont get it. It's like I've had enough. I don't care anymore. Who gives a crap what you think. That kinda thing. Haiz. Let's hope it's just a phase.

And contrary to popular belief, I do feel bad for being a bitch.

Was this the limit, then? I'd had more happiness than most people ever experienced. Was there some natural law that demanded equal shares of happiness and misery in the world? Was my joy overthrowing the balance? Was 4 months all I could have?

2010-01-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

I'm losing faith in the world. Lol.

I dont judge. Sure, I want to go in the same direction, but it goes against everything I've ever believed in. So here's to the balance between my angels and demons. Here's to not crossing the fucking line before my time. Here's to thinking with the right head.

**********

Radiotherapy's starting to take it's toll - it feels like someone sandpapered the inside of my throat, and for good measure, shoved a red hot poker down it as well. But compared to chemo... I'd take the pain any day man. Who knows, this could result in severe weight loss over time lol.

On a seperate note, what do people who have to drive to the hospital every single day do to entertain themselves, perhaps add a little entertainment to the dull routine? Well they measure the distance between home and hospital and back by different routes. Did you know that from my carpark to the borders of Pasir Ris, it's a distance of 2km? Lol. Bored, much.

You're not the first, or the last, but you're possibly the prettiest.

2010-01-19T00:31:00.002+08:00

Today I managed to totally clean the floor in my room. Dumped everything on the bed. Great. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the damn floor tonight... Genius.

Met my baby after almost 3 months! Omg. I'll never get that image of her smiling and hugging me. (TRYING to ignore the fact that she was more pleased to see baba.)

I missed her to bits. And watching how unwilling she was to let us leave without her was really very sad... I think we made a biig mistake not adopting her when we had the chance to. Oh well. She'll always have that special place in my heart. Oh and I started missing her as soon as we said goodbye... Love you B.

I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were beggin' me not tonight, not here, not now.

2010-01-12T23:42:00.002+08:00

Falling in love is so easy, I'm starting to think I really really suck at it.

I'm thinking of camp. I want something with loads of cheers, crazy games, loads of interaction and above all, loads and loads of fun! Totally random lol. I hope the JUNIORS will call me down when they start planning! Hehe. Hint hint.

What you don't know can't hurt you. It's what you suspect that screws everything.

2010-01-09T19:23:00.001+08:00

What exactly needs an explanation? The fact that I've been waiting around like a moron hoping that one day you'll actually feel about me the way I feel about you. Or the fact that you're so obsessed with your future that you completely forget about everyone that you're supposed to give a shit about. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done. I may not know exactly what my future looks like, but I do know one thing - you're not in it. - Postgrad

It's not about choosing who you want to love. It's about deciding to whom your love is worth giving.

2010-01-07T23:45:00.003+08:00

Why you? Because you saw me when I was invisible. Or rather, for my case, when I was overly visible.

I don't fight ugly men. They have nothing to lose.

2010-01-06T14:03:00.002+08:00

I read Krystle's blog last night and I got to say that I absolutely love her posts! It's an absolute quote haven there, I swear...

But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. Maybe a happy ending doesn't include a girl. Maybe... It's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

Which kinda makes me think.... Okay, so maybe I'm a lovesick loser, but at least I have something to feel good about now...

Which also makes me think.... Okay, I'm fucked.

When you say "I love you", mean it.

2010-01-05T12:10:00.002+08:00

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth, and you learn, and you learn, and you learn...

Thanks Alia.

And that, ladies and gents, is the reality of life. It's funny how almost everything I believe in is directly opposite of what's in that paragraph lol. Living in denial I guess. And a hopeless romantic to boot. Wow that sounded really gay. Haha.

I don't care about her. But I was lying and I knew it. I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.

2010-01-01T10:23:00.003+08:00

Well Happy New Year everyone!

Spent NYE with Kelly watching Alvin and the Chipmunks 2. Theodore is adorable!

"Simon does this make my butt look smaller?"

Went over to Boss's place for countdown, where Kelly influenced us to tie knots with that ribbon candy thing using only our tongues. Lol. Somehow ended up going out to catch the fireworks.

Went over to nich's place. ECP was jammed up.

His house is GINORMOUS! And the view from the roof is just... Awesome. And we got a nice view of the fireworks from there! Played this card game called BABI for awhile, then headed home.

Simple day. Very much to my liking. Haha.

**********

So another year has passed. And once again, my new year resolution is to keep my room clean. Who's willing to bet it won't happen again? Lol.

And not seeing that loving you was what I was tryin' to do...

2009-12-28T01:38:00.002+08:00

Singapore Idols Finale! Didn turn out as bad as I'd have thought. It was actually quite fun, except for the fact that I didn eat anything but cereal the entire day. By the time I got my hands on some food, it was past midnight. Talk about gastric pain lol.

I got to see my Mae Sta todayy! Arghhhh *melts* I'm in love with a married woman... Haiz.

K. Someone's asleep. Hate to admit it but I feel strangely lost now lol. Oh well.

I'm using work and sex as a distraction and I think it's working for me.

2009-12-24T21:46:00.002+08:00

900km - That's how far I drove over a period of 4 days.

Leisure Farm Resort was beautiful. That's exactly what a bachelor pad should look like - simple furnishings on the ground floor, bedrooms on the level above, with a rather breathtaking view of the estate at the back. If only they built houses like that in Singapore.....

Spent 90% of the time eating while I was away. Breadtalk, Secret Recipe, Sizzling Stonegrill, Auntie Anne's, Pizza Hut, Hotel Buffet, Subway, you name it. Only let down was I didn get to try Hard Rock, Outback and Ikea's food while I was there. Oh well, next time.

Spent day and night with my darling princess. Super cute that girl. How I wished Gaby was there too. I miss that one like hell lah. Haiz.

So anyway, we spent 2 nights at Leisure Farm. The plan was to head to Melacca to visit my aunt, but somehow or other we ended up going to the capital lol. That's right. Kuala Lumpur.

Approximately 350-400km away from Singapore. That's the furthest I've driven so far. And I reached 160km/h in the car! Haha. Traffic was terrible in KL, something very similar to my last visit there.

Made our way home on Tuesday. We passed the toll at the outskirts of KL at about 4pm. Reached home sometime past 11. And I drove the entire time. Woots!

Well that was a fun 4 days. I havent been on vacation in ages. I want Tioman again next year!

**********

Went out with Caleb, Tim, Jamie, Zaki and Jomin today! The pit I booked was tiny! Should have checked the diff between pits before booking. Oh well. Now I know. Oh and we ordered our BBQ food already. Caleb came out with 100 bucks, and I paid the rest. I sure hope the money comes back lol!

Sports Capt BBQ more or less settled already. Now need to plan the Kazee's. This one someone else needs to fund. Haha. I guess I'm the one that has to plan because I'm so free right!

**********

YES I UPDATED CUZ I HAD MORAL SUPPORT FROM MY DARLING ALYAA AQILAH. THANKS DARLING! MWAH.

I got this from one of my juniors' blogs...

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. And that's the truth lol.

2009-12-18T22:19:00.002+08:00

NO MORE FREAKIN' CHEMOTHERAPY YAY!

PET scan results are out. It looks gooooood! Okay lah. Fine. The folder they gave me had colourful pictures of the inside of my body that I totally didn understand. I spent a few minutes turning it round and round trying to figure out the orientation. After awhile, I found my spine. Clever right. Can become doctor ready. Pro.

So now we move on to radiotherapy. From the way the therapist explained the procedure to me, it sounds much much much better than chemo. No side effects other than a sore trachea/esophagus after 3 weeks or so. Beats nausea hands down anyday, I think.

**********

Small world - exactly how small is the world? Lets see...

Qaisara's madrasah classmates with my darling.

Rachel Lai's boyfriend is my VP's(Sports Capt, my year) brother.

Joan is Vanessa Ng's sister.

Aqeel's my old neighbour's grandson.

Win's my aunt Aidah's cousin.

Venice is Jer's secondary school friend's sister.

Azhar is somehow or other related to T M.

Syahiran, at stn 33 was the guy who replaced me at RHS.

K enough examples. Small small world.

**********

Leaving for some terrace resort place in JB tmr. Leaving morning. And I havent packed. And not planning to till tmr lol. Never learn my lesson. Oh well. Guys dont have much to pack right?

Guy's underwear theory states that an underwear can be worn for a maximum of 8 days. 2 days normal, next 2 days wear up side down, next 2 days flipped over, and another 2 days upside down again. Haha. Eww.

Kinda reminds me of Kelvin's underwear song. We no money we dont care. We wear cheap cheap underwear. If it tear, I dont care. I go buy another pair. Underwear, everywhere.

On a seperate note, I'll be driving cross country tmr! Wooooo. 170km/h anyone? Lol. I'll do it when mama's asleep. Floor the pedal wooooo. Eh but tmr up JB only. Not sure if we'll be taking the highway. Nvm nvm. Monday we going melaka. Haha. Confirm got time to speed one...

Who's gonna look after my team while I'm gone! Does malaysia have internet? Aaaahahahaha. I swear someone's gonna shoot me for that.

**********

I just noticed how I seem to love songs that somehow ot other incorporate a rooftop.

Simple plan's Perfect - performed on a rooftop.

Lost prophet's Rooftop - Well the name says it all.

Story of the year's Anthem of our dying day - "Here I am, pourin' my heart onto these rooftops..." Lyrics says it.

Cool right. Emo as hell lol. Nvm. Just a random thought...

Well. That's it for now. Be back soon. I'll be missing one person more than anyone else. Hope you know who you are, stranger.

Haha. Most cliche quote associated with travelling ever.

Cuz I'm leavin on a jet plane. I dont know when I'll be back again.

2009-12-17T19:41:00.003+08:00

Went to get my passport yesterday. Super duper loooooong queue. Imagine, I took a queue number, went out for lunch, came back over an hour later and I still had to wait. HUNDREDS of people lol.

Went for lunch near Masjid Sultan. Setan, go eat, never go pray. Nyahaha. Anyway, ate siput sedut. It was so freaking spicy, I was sweating and crying. Literally. And mama didn help. She just watched and laughed. =.=

After collecting my passport, went down to Raffle Place to make payments for the car insurance. I can now officially drive without insurance concerns. Yay. So now the only concern is that old woman holding the keys. Back to square one.

**********

Mama dropped me off at ECP on our way back. Met the juniors for our little outing. Kelly, Charlyn and Lixuan were studying at BK. STUDYING. During the school holidays. In december. I still think it's not normal...

Started playing a few games, the first of which was Lightning Dodging. This was how the game went: When lightning strikes, you dodge. You don't, you get hit lah of course. I think it should hurt. Safety precautions taken: Medic on scene - me. Anything happen I pick up phone and call 995 for you. Simple riiiiight.

We found this super huge hole someone had dug on the beach. Our ice breaker was dead simple. Just fit everyone into the hole. We managed to squeeze.... 20 people in it? Haha. Not bad right.

Then we had Dog and Bone. Alot of sand throwing, cheaters. And Yong Xuan kept hugging Qaisara! Pervert. My team lost like 20 something to 6. Lol.

Next was the Body Parts game. This one wasn't planned that well. The idea was there, but we forgot to come up with a list of body parts. And it's not very easy to think things up on the spot. But we managed it somehow. The best was 6 legs, 5 hands, 2 butts and 1 tongue. Xavier licked the sand lol. Good sportsmanship!

After that most of the juniors went cycling. The rest of us just sat in the sand talking. Oh. The guys were throwing sand at each other. And I was sitting in the middle of all that. Guess who got caught in the crossfire. I had sand EVERYWHERE. In my leg hair, in my pants, in my boxers, in my shirt, in my hair, in my ear. Every-freaking-where lol.

We played soccer after the 3 nerds joined us. We won! All thanks to Zaki. He whacked 2 girls, giving up two penalties. Lol.

Played some slapping game. That Jiayi whack damn hard sia. And Lixuan? Cant inflict pain to save her life. Hahahaha.

Lixuan and Hakiim went to get a sundae pie for Charlyn's surprise birthday celebration. Super sweet. And Charlyn was like a small girl lol. Need to watch the video to get what I mean. "Thank you.". "Can blow now?". "Must wish ah?". Haha. Cute as hell.

Went to Parkway for dinner. We pulled like 7 tables together. Haha. And I met Hafiz there. My buddy from medic course. Haha. Brought back memories of all the crazy stupid things we did to get ourselves in trouble.

Bused home. Super long ride lol.

Oh. Nearly forgot to mention that girl who escaped from prison. Lol.

SOMEONE totally treated me like we've never met before. Cannot siaaa. That's totally conflicting with my personality. Haha. Oh well...

Hey. Life sucks without you. I miss you. Of course I miss you. I knew that I would, but it's not like a "Hey, we had some great times." you know, "Keep in touch." kind of thing. It was more like "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I forget what it feels like to laugh" kind of thing. And I really think that when you left, you took my heart with you.

2009-12-15T03:30:00.002+08:00

"Now you're tellin' me it's too bad baby, that you're so good to me - I like you, you love me. Too bad baby you're so into me, I can't breathe. You fall in love too easily."

Haiz. Damned if I do ya, damned if I don't. Not literally. Oh wait. Literally lol. Ah wtv.

You're straight from a movie, but baby I'm not from Hollywood. Would stealing your heart make me your Robin Hood?

Oh did I mention that the last chemo happened last week? Lol. PET-CT scan in a few hours. Meeting the radiotherapist after that, and before you know it, I'll be back at work. Too bad no more ambulance calls for me... Haiz. Any nice paramedics wanna vouch for me?

The game that you're playin' - why do you tease me like you do? You gotta let me down or see it thru...

2009-12-12T21:07:00.003+08:00

Planet 51-ed. Haha. 'Nuf said.

Oh. Oh now we're on again? Cuz the mood suits you? Cuz im the sad little boy with no friend and I tripped your secret complex into action? You know, usually I can deal with the hot and cold thing, but not today. Leave me the hell alone.

2009-12-09T17:56:00.004+08:00

Watched 2012 with Kelly. Movie was boring as hell. We ended up playing pepsi cola, stuffing our mouths with popocorn, nudging each other so we stayed awake, stuff like that. For close to 3 hours. Madness.

After we got out, we walked aorund NTUC and ended up buying seaweed and a pack of Yakult. Yakult drinking competition. I won, hands down. Twice. Even with a half bottle penalty. What does that prove? That I suck more? Damn.

I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were beggin me not tonight, not here, not now.

2009-12-07T04:12:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. I'm planning a bbq for the sports capts. That's going to be a bigger headache than the little ones I've done for the Kazees. I must be crazy lol.

It's 415am and I have a thousand ideas running thru my head. Damn lol. I just hope the juniors are as enthu as I am...

What's sleep? They say it's good for you.

2009-12-06T21:27:00.001+08:00

2009-12-06T20:39:00.001+08:00

I LEFT OUT THE BIT ABOUT KELLY BITING ME! CUTE. VERY CUTE.

2009-12-04T18:53:00.004+08:00

Camp! Haha. I thought it would be a teeny weeny bit strange being there, considering that NONE of the juniors were in school when I was around. But it turned out okay. Got to know the sec 4s and 3s, and a few juniors.

First day, met up with momo, made our way down to tamp interchange. Met YY and SM there. Went to school together. When we reached, the juniors were having a workshop about sports. Found it boring so all the seniors left for lunch.

After the workshop, the juniors had a go at the two sports - tag rugby and netball. I learnt a new game - RIVER - and that was the only game I played on the first day.

Spent the rest of the day hanging with Zaki SM Momo and YY. We were stuck outside AVT looking after everybody's bags for some reason. Got bored, so I msged Haikal, acting like some stalker who's in love with him. He said "I love edna cuz she got big boobs.". Lol wth!

After dinner, while the Juniors were having debriefs and discussions, the seniors were all outside AVT playing this game Paul called "Name the baby". Zaki, Paul, Shahidah, Caleb, Yuanyuan, Siewmei, Timothy and me were playing while Momo was emoing.

Left school for ECP. We were going to overnight there and return to school the next morning. We had supper at the lagoon area. The mutton chop was terrible lol. Then went in search for a place to settle down for the night. Timmy made sure the sec 3s went to sleep. The seniors had little or no sleep lol.

A few of the malay guys came down and started playing strip poker, spank poker lah, ciggy poker lah. You name it. Crazy as hell lol. I tried sleeping after The group left for the jetty to fish. But it was damn difficult to fall asleep for some reason lol.

Around 6am, we started disturbing the sec3s. Damn irritating way to wake people up lol. Made our way back to school at 630am. The juniors went back to school, I went home to grab some clothes and get some sleep.

Slept at 9am, but kept getting calls and msgs from Venice, Steffi, god knows who else. Woke up at 1, got some chores done at home, and left for school again. Got there at about.... 5pm? Rachel Lai was already there =D

Taufik, Caleb, Paul and Tim were playing some Milo Cup penalty shoot out. Super lame lol.

After dinner, the seniors started prepping for night walk. I thought of not scaring this year, but ended up giving in to the urge. Haha. They asked me to tell the juniors scary stories about the school but my brain was just dead lol. Not a single word came out. Dont know why.

Anyway, I went around looking for a good place to scare the juniors. No make up, no props, nothing. Haha. Initially walked the entire route, taking pictures, and scaring Jomin in the process. In the end, decided to climb and just lie down on top of the lockers between the library and canteen. Not the best scaring I've done, but I still managed to scare Venice and Aqeel, who more or less knew that I was in the area. Did I mention it was dusty as hell? Haha.

Li Xuan was very scary. Lyn and JiaYing were grabbing people's legs from under tables. That's really shocking lol. The den area was VERY crowded. Kinda lost the natural scary feeling that place has. Barney was at the top of a flight of stairs, candles surrounding him, and he was in a hoodie and mask. Cool effect.

The nightwalk was good, but not including the school hall was a little disappointing. That place is scary as hell at night lol. I'm really okay with walking around alone at night, but the school hall just gives me the creeps. Your footsteps echoing around the silent hall gives the impression that someone's following you. I dont really like that feeling :p

Debriefing that night lasted till about 230am. Kelly looked like she really wanted to kill people lol. I swear she's crazy when she's having fun, but damn serious when she's serious. Bipolar. Haha.

I went up to the hall about 15 mins after lights out, and not a single person was moving lol. Everyone was literally out cold.

Took my time washing up that night. I had ALOT of dust and grass and sand and god knows what else all over me. After that, I found an opening in between Caleb and Khai, I just dived in and fell asleep. Khai started snoring soon after that. And when I turned away from him, I saw Caleb staring at me. He sleeps with his eyes half open lah! Scary lol.

Breakfast next day was at 8am. I woke up at..... 9. Haha. At around 7 plus, I did wake up. I saw an opening on the high jump mattress, so I moved over. Caleb joined me. I think Jamie gave us her sleeping bag. Someone else left us a pillow. So sweet right. Haha.

Again, the juniors had a workshop till slightly past noon. I decided to join, joking around with the sec 3s at the back of the AVT. Sebas was taking notes with a handphone stylus, Kelly was playing with her monkey and magnets. Charlyn was comparing her phone to mine. Li Xuan was going thru pictures on my cam. Khai gave me a free back massage. Bottom line is, we weren't paying attention. Lol.

Had lunch. Spastic people were offering the juniors ridiculous things like duck egg or chicken egg, chicken sausage or pork sausage. Hilarious. Food cheer was cool too.

Mass games after lunch. I joined a group that had 4 girls and a guy. Supposed to balance things out lah. The 4 girls were like super tiny. All same height. I cheated for most of the games. Most of the cheats involved my digicam. It's amazing know. People will actually freeze during a game when you point the camera at them and say "Take picture, take picture!". Worked like a charm. Lol.

The running round in circles and then running in between cones or doing jumping jacks was the height of retardedness. I wanted like alot of pple doign it at the same time, but thought it'd be dangerous. People'd prolly run into each other and break skulls and teeth or something. Bummer.

Initially planned to stay till after the games and head home, missing farewell. But ended up staying, even though I didn bring anything formal to wear. Yes, ladies and gents, I wore slippers, 3/4 pants, my medic shirt and a hoodie to cover it up to a smart casual event. Kudos to me lol.

Asked Rachel Lai to buy me 2 cans of redbull when she went out to buy some junk food. Needed to stay awake that night, and it had already been a long 2 days lol.

The farewell was great. Performances were good. And freakin hilarious. Sebas looked exactly like Rihanna. The skin tone, the hair style. Lol. And at the end of it all, we did the friendship dance. We completed an entire circle! Must have been like 30-40 times? Haha. That's a first for me.

Most of the seniors didn eat during the farewell, and that included me. A fat men without food? Lol. So we called in mcdelivery. Ikhwan, Gaoning, Shaz and me. We didn ask anyone else cuz it would've been one big headache ordering for so many people. And we were dead hungry lol.

Stayed up till like 6am that night, thanks to the redbull. Wanted to walk around school, but almost everyone was asleep! Kind of pissed Jia Ying off cuz we were making noise right next to where she was sleeping. Oops.

Woke up about 830 the next morning. Went down to the canteen, the juniors were having breakfast. Kelly force fed me her own version of a subway sandwich, except it only had nutella and kaya in it. Nut-kaya. Eww. Haha.

Games after breakfast, debreifing, and we broke camp. A few of us went to Simpang for lunch before heading home. Took 9 with Xavier and Kelly. Reached home, turned on my lappy (out of habit), went for a bath, and fell asleep. Tired as hell lol.

Woke up with my whole body aching. I'd take the aches any day, in return for how much fun I had during the camp. =D

One of these days, maybe your magic won't affect me. And your kiss won't make me weak. But no one in this world knows me the way you know me. So you'll probably always have a spell on me.

2009-11-28T17:52:00.002+08:00

My princess's away on holiday! Cute as freakin hell lah that kid. She says the cutest things ever. Gonna miss her. Nvm. Only a week. She was convinced she was going to HongKong Disneyland lol. She got the idea from the TV. Haha.

Talkin about princesses, I miss the angmoh one. I havent seen Gaby in weeks lah. I'm scared for her. So long as she's not here, she's not okay. She's not gonna be okay. Haiz. Complicated shit. Let's hope somehow things work out for her. She's cute as hell. Which pretty much was what her mum was. And look how that turned out. Haiz.

**********

Driving is starting to become a total pain. Mama hogs the car (even when she's not using it). Petrol prices are terrible. Then there's the crappy accidents that keep happening to me. And now, the goddamn insurance company has some scheme that discriminates young drivers.

Have I ever mentioned that the repair costs from all my accidents adds up to about $40,000?

Because I'm not 25 years yet, an accident would result in a $2000 "admin fee" that I have to fork out before the insurance company starts their investigation. Total crap lol.

Just let me get that damn bike license already. What's the use of having the car license if I can't freakin drive in peace?

**********

Camp's coming up next week. I'm going down to kill time. Hehe. Hopefully get to catch up with Aqeel Venice Shaz Naf Su Ikhwan and whoever else I might know.

They are so gonna get a big surprise when they see me. Confirm kena from Jared Oh lol. Oh well.

**********

Mak cooked one of my favouritest food on earth. And they left for Bangkok today. That means I get all the leftovers! Drools.

I'm thinking Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Tea, Late Afternoon Tea, Dinner, Supper, Super Late Supper. Set.

**********

Oh and I did some tweaks to the template. Hehe. Wanted to do a full makeover, but can't be bothered to atm. Gotta go start reading all the htmls again.

K. Food time. Yumyum.

Because the snap judgements - the ones that come to us quickly and easily without hesitation - they're the ones that haunt us forever.

2009-11-23T22:17:00.003+08:00

Urgh. Blogging is starting to become a chore all over again.

K the lung biopsy hurt like freakinn hell lahh. I was supposed to be semi-conscious during the procedure, but somehow I fought the urge to sleep.

I remember the surgeon shoving some chemical up my nostril to make it numb. She asked me to breathe it in, let it go to my lungs. Dumbest thing ever. I started gagging the moment I breathed it in lol.

The worst part was the scope being shoved up my nose and down my throat and into my lungs. That was daaaaaamn uncomfortable. I was gagging thruout the procedure. Wicked.

**********

Chemo was halted for almost 4 weeks thanks to the lung biopsy. You have no idea what that felt like. Freeedommm.

They had to cut down one of my chemo meds, apparently the lung problem was the side effects from one of the meds. Didn affect the post chemo effects tho. Still as terrible as ever.

And to make matters worse, my left arm hurts like crap. Something wrong with the veins already I think. They cant stand chemo anymore either. Haha.

Been taking painkillers for it. Yes, it causes drowsiness. And yes, I slept for almost 18 hours 2 days back. That's 18 hours total in a day, 2 days ago, not 18 in 2 days lol. Talk about hibernation.

**********

Alot on my mind but too lazy to type everything out. Aching arm doesnt feel too good typing. So I'll stop here. Another 2 weeks before next post? Haha.

Good things don't happen to me too often - when they do, I get scared.

2009-11-09T03:11:00.003+08:00

Wow it's been awhile.

Okay so. 21st birthday passed. Thanks for all the wishes. The cousins called me up at around midnight to orchestrate a happy birthday song. Really really sweet. Of course, it was my darling's birthday too. She turned 13.

Farhana woke me up at 930am on my birthday to give me a really unexpected birthday present - ice cream from her shop. Jeremy was on duty I think, he msged me at 530am. Well lets just say I didn have enough sleep that day. I stayed up till about 6am, got woken up every hour with birthday wishes over msn, phone, sms. I swear I put my phone to the almost-silent mode. And still the thing woke me up. And my earphones were plugged into my lappy, and I was still awoken by the sound of the messenger alerts. Lol.

Unlike most people I know, I'm not big on the whole birthday thing. So you turn a year older. Woopeedoo. A dinner with the family would suffice. Something simple. I've long since outgrown the whole birthday party phase.

The only people who make a grand scene out of a birthday celebration are young kids, and people who feel like they've achieved something with turning a year older - I'm thinking ages 80 and up.

Haha I'm trying to imply something totally mean right there. I'm guessing only Nab will get this one. Ahaha. Seriously, if the whole Karma thing is true, my cancer will be cured in a few months, relapse in about 4 years, I'll be celebrating my 26th birthday party as if I just turned a hundred, and I'll be dead before I turn 27. Lol. Again, probably only my freak of a cousin will get this one.

"We are the chosen ones..." Rofl

**********

Went ice skating with my sisters and neighbours. It's been ages since the last time I went there. Had lots of fun. Tried doing turns and skating backwards and what nots. Unsurprisingly, I took a few falls. Surprisingly, the ice didn crack on impact. Woots.

Somehow or other, I managed to get drenched in my own sweat while skating on ice. I didn have a jacket on - I forgot to bring one along - and it was cold as hell. And still I looked as if I'd just finish some marathon. Talk about screwed up metabolism.

Noticed something while I was there. Figure skaters are really good looking people. Even the young ones are cute as hell. And there was this one girl... Adorable as hell. Cant wait to see Gaby start. I'm pretty sure her grandma's gonna enrol her sometime soon. Bet she'd look damn cute. We'll see.

**********

Skating with the cousins. The original idea was mine, but somehow thanks to the exams and N levels, we never did go out. This time around ala and afiqah suggested and it really did happen.

Az, Azin, Atiqah, Ala, Afiqah and me. Afiqah brought her own skates, so did I. Az rented a bike. Everyone else rented skates.

The thing that scared all my cousins most were slopes. Haha. I've had my fare share of tripping and falling and bleeding so I guess the fear of slopes kinda got lost somewhere along the way. But they were scared of slopes lol. I didn manage to catch the part where ala afiqah and azin got tangled up near the bridge of sungei api api. That was hilarious.

Atiqah was with me almost the entire time. My poor darling's first time blading I think. Not too bad, she could move on her own after 2 hours. Congrats! =D

Next outing cycling k :p

**********

Chemo. Where do I even start.

Appointment was at 10am. Was supposed to come an hour earlier for blood test. Mama sent baba to work and dropped me off before heading home. So I was there at the hospital at 8am.

Dr Lim wasn't in. Again. For the 8th or 10th week straight? Anyway they sent some other doctor down last minute. 10am appointment know. I saw the doc close to 2. Chemo scheduled what time? 1pm. Kns. So chemo cancelled, sent for lung function test and high resolution CT scan - waiting time for each was an hour and a half. Oh and thanks to the CT scan, not allowed to eat from morning till after the CT scan was over, which was about 5pm.

After that it was back to the clinic to see the doc again. And surprise surprise, he wasnt in. Attending to a serious case. So waited. Again. I was in that freakin clinic all alone for over almost 2 hours know. And I started losing it.

A whole day of waiting, being stuck in a place that just makes me nauseous on entry, being severely under-dressed (I was wearing shorts, tshirt and slippers and it was freakin' freezing), a rapidly numbing butt from sitting too long, and above all, the lack of food - trust me, you should never let a fat man, especially one on steroids, go without food for 9 hours during the day - left me at the height of my bitchiness potential.

Sadly, the nurses got all of it. I feel so sorry for them. But I was really really pissed off with the waiting - what, a total of 8-9 hours? Total bullshit. So I was demanding to know what was taking so long. Two nurses were trying to calm me down, giving half articulated explanations because I kept cutting them off.

Nurse: I am so sorry you had to wait the whole day but you see...
Me: I was here since 8am. You know what time it is now? 6.30pm.
N: I'm sorry it took so long but the doctors...
Me: I know it's not your fault. But what's the use of making appointments if every single week you make me wait 2 hours on average to see the doc? And today? My appointment was at 10am, what time did I see the doc? Close to 2.
N: We're very sorry but Dr Lim Soon Thye was not in today.
Me: And that's my problem, how? Dr Lim is supposed to be my medical onco. I havent seen him in 4-5 chemo sessions!
N: I'm so sorry. But you need to understand...
Me: No. I dont care. I dont want to hear anymore explanations. Give me my meds, tell me when I need to come back, and I'm out of here. And the pharmacy better still be open.
N: Don't worry. It should still be open.
Me: It better be. I've had just about enough of crap today.

And I walked off.

My parents continued for me after I left. Rofl. Baba was pissed off too. Nyehehe. Kesian the nurses.

**********

Monday appointment. Lung specialist. Apparently something's wrong with my lung. They found something in my right lung during the ct scan.

So now I have to go thru a third biopsy. First was the one on my chest, then the bone marrow biopsy, and now a lung biopsy.

Scheduled for thursday. Haiz. Here we go again.

*********

The little girl showed up under my block last night. Came to collect her long overdued 7th September birthday present. Life's taking a toll on her man. The shape of her face is thinning out as quickly as Dan's. Haiz. Life huh.

Take care in aussie. Bring home a kangaroo for me k. Thanks.

*********

K gotta go get ready to meet the cousins for Singapore Idol. This would be the 2nd time I'm watching it live. And coincidentally, it also happens to be the 2nd time I'm watching SI this season. Lol. Support Sezairi. Yeah right. I'll be rooting for Tabby. Haha. Shhh.

Uh. Dates might be a little messed up cuz it took me 3-4 days to get the mood to finish the post lol.

You've got to let it go. Start protecting your heart and soul. Cuz I dont think I'll survive this goodbye, okay?

2009-10-29T00:52:00.002+08:00

Okay so this time around Chemo side effects didn go away as soon as I expected. The last few chemos I've been keepin myself busy with little events and outings and whatnots. And it made time go by faster. This time around I stayed home and rested. Total mistake.

**********

So I decided to go cycling today. My so called far-far cycling expedition.

The plan was simple enough - Pasir Ris > Changi > ECP > Bedok > Semei > Tampines > Pasir Ris. Just follow the park connectors and I'll be fine. Ha. Yeah right.

Started off terribly. I passed eHub and it started drizzling. Okay. Waterproofed my phone, kept going. No biggie.

Usually I'd cut thru the industrial estates if I was on my way to changi. Today, I decided to follow the park connector instead. You never notice slopes when you're driving. Well now I know better. There IS a freakin slope. From Pasir Ris Primary all the way to the Shell at Loyang. Slope. And my ancient prehistoric dinosaur of a bike has only one gear. I was swearing between breaths all the way up lol. And then I reached the traffic light. And that place gives you hope. You see the road leveling out - for like 5 to 10 metres. And then slope. Again. Lol.

That slope right there took a crapload of energy out of me lol. I did leave home without breakfast. Idea was to grab food at changi since cycling there was easy. Haha. Easy alright.

Anyway, made it to Changi Village around noon. My favourite Nasi Lemak stall was closed. Again. I swear that shop's closed 6 days a week man. Irritating. But I love the food there. So nevermind.

Went to Changi Beach after eating and sat down to let the food digest. Met this family of cats - 2 kittens and their really really disgruntled mum. One of the kittens was really daring and friendly. Started messing around with my newspaper and then got intrigued by my leg hair. Friend made.

"Aww, fishes aren't friends. They are pets." Cute. REAL cute.

Went on with my journey after awhile. That road along the runway? Is one never ending road lol. It's like you keep pedaling your bike on and on and on and the end of the road is nowhere in sight! All you see are the small rest huts ahead of you. And more road. And another hut. And even more road.

After cycling for what seemed like forever, I saw the markings on the ground. Against me, "Changi Beach - 3400m". Along the route I was taking, "East Coast Park - 5800m". Not even halfway lol. I mean it. That road was never ending. And people actually JOG there! Respect.

At the end of that long long long long long long road, there was a surprise in store for me. The cycling track turned away from the main road and I came across this big canal that led out to sea. Water was very clean (by Singapore standards). And the scenery was just beautiful. All pics are on facebook btw.

About a kilometer on, I came to this stretch of beach. From under the shade of the rest hut, it looked really nice. It was quite a distance off the main road. So I guess people rarely reach that place. I actually sat there for about a half hour. The wind was blowing non stop. The sun was out. Not much noise pollution - other than the occasional airplane passing overhead.

That was the life. That was the reason why I used to go cycling practically every single day. The sea breeze. I'd just sit there in the strong wind and let my mind wander. Even on the shittiest of days, for however long I sat there, life'd seem a little more bearable. I guess work, school and life made me forget some of life's simple pleasures.

Damn. I might have found a new favourite spot.

Carried on with my journey. Was looking for the underpass to the Bedok Park Connector. Couldn't find it. I cycled back and forth a few times to double check. The damn underpass wasnt there!

So I went all the way to the bayshore underpass, and backtracked from there. That place was NOT made for cycling I tell you. So many freakin bumps and pavements.

Cycled pass TMS. Stopped at Bedok Corner for a drink. Thought of checking out the underpass at Bedok Camp. But I was getting tired so I decided to head on home. Check it out some other day.

Simei Park Connector ended at Simei MRT station. Thought of cutting thru simei, tampines, all the way to sunplaza park and head home from there, but fatigue was really getting to me so I made for the shortest route home. Cut thru Simei, ended up near Melville Park. Crossed into Tamp, went past Venice's house, Ngee Ann Sec, TPJC, Dunman, Farhana's house and bam. Pasir Ris.

I nearly fell in front of TPJC. There was a drain cover that caused my back wheel to skid. Already tired out, it was lucky I didn fall lol. Could have broken a bone. Nothing happened. Just scared the living crap out of me lol.

Got home safe and sound. But with sores everywhere. Sore palms. Sore back. Sore knees. Sore feet. And above all else, sore ass. Haha.

But like I told krys, I'd take the sores any day. Just dont gimme chemo side effects please. And guess what. The side effects left today. Haha. Coincidence? I doubt it.

So hopefully another cycling expedition comes along soon. And right now I have a slight tan! Yay. No longer pale. Hehe.

I guess right now I know the element I love the most. Wind. Haha. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Something doesn't sound right! If you get what I mean.

Oh and Dr Lim Soon Thye has agreed to extend my MC by two months. Hehe.
7 months total so far. Woots.

It's your allergy to being normal that appeals to me

2009-10-26T03:37:00.002+08:00

I'm getting a weeeeeeee bit pissed with the way Manu plays. Terrible. So few openings, so few shots on goal. Wtf sia seriously. Damn irritating. Like watching us playing soccer sia. Haiz.

Hehe. Easy ah to criticize people for not playing well. Oh well. Once a red devil, always a red devil. That's right. No gooner jersey's gonna switch us so easily. Stop denying it lah. Ur still a red devil at heart. *scoffs*

**********

Was having this talk with Krys a few days back about karma. If karma does exist, then well, I told her she only has to be nice to me for the next 5 years or so. Then I'll get a relapse of cancer and die. Hahaha. Damn funny. Scary thought, yes, but possible. And still funny as hell. Haha. Twisted as hell humour.

Thanks Krys. You're one weird and unexpected comfort in my life lol. K I didn mean to make that sound negative. You get what I mean. Thanks, girl.

*********

Havent shaved in a week. Haha. Can't be bothered, for some weird reason. Sloth. That's riiiight.

********

I know I've mentioned this before. But someone sounds really really cute when she's all sleepy and starting to murmur god knows what. Haha. Another weird, emotional, honest, whiny comfort in my life. Haha. Not unexpected. You've actually been here for the longest time ever - on and off. I said whiny just to get even. I whine once and I get "Eh you're SO whiny!". Haha. Harsh get backs aside, you're one of the sweetest people around. Thanks :)

*********

I miss my darlings! Ever since my last chemo I've been out of action. havent even had the time to msg my 1nv baby properly lah. Soon k. When I feel better.

Nab. Dinner with me this week k. Sometime. Somewhere.

*********

I have no idea where all this is coming from. Late night, drugs and lack of sleep might be the cause. Whatever. Loves.

No goodbyes - cuz I can't bear to say it.

2009-10-20T14:17:00.002+08:00

Went on a long walk a few days back. Felt good to be out. Finally. 5km only. Hopefully increases soon.

**********

Went out with the gang to catch Kumar's show at 3 monkeys cafe on saturday night. Funny as freaking hell. Didn exactly tell mama I was going there - just said I was going for a show. Haha. Okay so she did bring me there when I was 18, but I wasn't too sure she'd be okay with me going with my friends. Oh well. It's over. Hopefully don't get caught. Hahaha.

Two jokes stuck with me that night.

K some background info first. Kumar's philosophy about men is that chinese men have the shortest oblongatas around, indians the longest, with malays in between.

So the first joke. Primary 6 boys - 1 chinese, 1 malay, 1 indian. They were wondering who had the longest oblongata. So they went to the toilet to check. Guess who had the longest? You think indian right? Wrong. Malay. Stayback 3 times. Ahahaha. Totally caught me off guard that one.

And the second one... was about some immortal politician and god. Haha. Let's leave it at that.

Puss had to lapdance for a bride to be, who was having her hen's party. Funny as hell. He'll never forget that. And we'll never let him forget lol. Kumar said he's cute. Hahaha.

**********

Some smart people around suggested going to watch the sun rise yesterday. And smarter people agreed to it. *shakes head*

Turns out you cant see the sun break the horizon from pasir ris park lol. Damn funny. And we were both like high from the lack of sleep. Stupid laughing at nothing and everything. Lol.

"I think I'm eating while falling asleep lahhh..." nice one gups. Teacher lol. Mampuss.

Never again lol. Never ever again.

We should stick to movies, meals and possibly skating around the park at most. No more breaking dawn crap lol.

**********

Just repaired my super ancient bike. Okay so maybe it's baba's. But I have officially hijacked it. It's so ancient, the bike doesnt appear to have any brakes. You brake by back pedalling. Haha. Damn cacat. And it's single geared. Need to take it out soon. Cycle far far. Time to check out the park connectors man. Thanks ma for giving me the inspiration. Lol.

**********

Watched band of brothers. Cool as effing hell. Someone needs to make a game about it. Hehe I got some crazy ideas in mind. Just surprised nobody came up with a game with that concept in mind. Oh well. The ideas are rather ambitious and superficial I guess.

You will never measure up to the people that we've lost.

2009-10-16T03:32:00.002+08:00

Nab's right. What in the world happened here. I dont know. I dont freakin know. It's like I've just been an empty shell the last couple of weeks you know. Autopilot.

It's like something somewhere just snapped. "Life's a chore.", "Who gives a shit.", "Yeah, sure, whatever.", "Ah. Yah. Right. Okay.", "I dont know. I dont care. I dont wanna care." - that kinda shit.

Life plain sucks right now. It's like being caught in a race - except that you cant stop and the freakin end is nowhere in sight. I know there have been quite a number of posts about how life sucks - but that's the truth you know. Life really sucks right now. There's really nothing else to say.

Have to thank the people who've done however tiny a thing to make me feel better. Like the ones who accompanied me for chemo. The ones who entertained my ambitious events. The ones who call to check up on me from time to time. The one who shared movies with me over skype. You have no idea how thankful I am. All these are distractions. And every tiny bit of distraction matters when all you can think about is how you'd rather be dead than live thru the nausea and pain. Thank you.

So I had a little experiment last week. Distraction. Day after chemo, I'd usually be in bed - with the record standing at 20/24 hours of a day spent in bed - feeling like crap. Last week, I hosted a little steamboat get together. Day after chemo. Planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, hosting. Didn feel a thing. Not a damn thing. Even the nausea left me for the better part of that day. Distraction alright.

The only problem is what happens after. After the laughter stops. After the people leave. After you clean up. After you bolt up the door for the night. After Snow White takes a bite out of the apple. After the final whistle blows. After the fullstop at the end of the sentence. After chapter seventy-three thousand one hundred and thirty-two of your life comes to a close. What happens then?

A new chapter begins, I guess. Chapter seventy-three thousand one hundred and thirty-three begins. A long, boring chapter filled with nothing but pain and self pity and semi-suicidal thoughts on repeat.

And that is why, I think, I'm now stuck in a rut. The stupid cycle's just gonna repeat itself over and over. It's been freakin 4 months now. And I'm only past the halfway mark. Why bother right?

I'm barely putting in the effort to keep my head above water. I havent talked to someone in ages, and trust me it bothers me every single day, but somehow I just cant be bothered to care. It's been almost a week since the album launch, and I did ask to hear about it. And up to today I dont have it in me to care to listen. I don't forget. Not caring haunts me every single minute of the day. But not caring trumps everything else right now.

I really dont know where I'm going with this. Guess I just need to get it out of my system.

**********

What I need right now is something or someone to make me want to give a damn. Haha. Wonder when that's gonna happen.

**********

I miss my 1nv baby. Apparently shingles and cancer patients dont do well in close contact. Haiz.

I'm sorry but don't guilt me into feeling bad. I feel like crap as it is. And acting like I dont care will only build up that cavalier attitude.

I think I've run out of goodbyes.

2009-10-08T06:35:00.002+08:00

Life. It's just funny like that. Ha ha.

Guess sometimes two things just cannot be together. Like two similarly charged magnets. Like cats and dogs. Like oil and water. Like sandpaper and bare ass. You'd be the ass. Whatever.

It's just too bad baby you're so into me - I can't breathe. You fall in love too easily.

2009-10-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

It's getting worse. Body's getting weaker, the mental strength is giving way, the will to fight on has taken some beating. I guess the stuff you see on tv do have some actual facts in them - its no freakin walk in the park.

The most cliche thing ever invented when talking about people fighting illnesses is that being around family and friends will help. Trust me, I know first hand that it's freakin true.

Being around my beloved cousins and my friends does wonders. It distracts the mind, being around these people. Sure I'm still running to the loo from time to time, overcome with the urge to throw up, but you forget how bad it actually is once you start joking and laughing.

Beats lying in bed the entire day trying to sleep it off. Hands down.

Words cannot describe how I feel about the hospital. I really really mean it when I say that I'm scared peeless of that place. The mere thought of going there gives me a headache, and puts the whole nausea cycle in motion.

Seriously. I lose sleep thinking about that place. Food looses its taste when I'm there. I cant stand the sterile smell of the place. I wasn't joking when I said I was scared lol.

Haiz. I'm gonna get out of that scan tmr somehow or other.

I'm gonna take a leaf out of my own book. Some strange inspirational wisdomy thing popped up a long time ago - and I think I was right. What do you think?

Just go with the flow. Dont WANT. Just let it be. If it comes, it comes.

2009-09-26T13:42:00.002+08:00

Because sometimes even the ones who try so hard to act dignified let the facade slip =P

2009-09-23T11:02:00.002+08:00

Raya Day 2 - Got conned into going to old people's houses. Pretty uneventful, till the last house - chek tok's. All my darlings (except that tall cheena one) were there! Spent almost the entire time with ala. Camwhoring ftw! You have no idea how shutter-free that girl got!

Almost as soon as I stepped into the house, she demanded for my phone so she could get rid of nab's picture from my wallpaper and replace it with hers.

Atiqah was sick, and it was past her bedtime when we reached, so I pretty much took 2 pics with her, and she did her disappearing act. Haha. Damn cute sia.

Anyway, perfect ending to day 2!

Day 3 - Nothing much happened till night fell. Mak ta's family came over - afiqah was still merajuking with me for god knows what reason. After awhile, the heart started to thaw, and she took my phone and did the wallpaper change thing.

Went over to mak's with gaby. All my darlings were there! And the most anti-climatic surprise ever - Cicik and Kak Long came home! Hugged cicik so tightly after I salamed her. Missed her so much lah. THANKS ROCKSTAR FOR LYING STRAIGHT TO MY FACE.

As always, total chaos took over. Somehow or other I managed to convince the lot to bring the chaos over to my place. They spent about an hour here, but frankly that was nowhere near long enough. Again, spent almost the entire time camwhoring with my ala. Us november first babies are inseperable right!

Spent every ala-free moments poking my finger in along's ribs. Haha. I think he was tired already so I kept disturbing. Atiqah was sick okay, cannot disturb. So along became the victim. ^^

And once again, another perfect ending to the day.

Woke up today to gaby going "Abaaaang, waaake upppp!" over and over and over again. Apparently mama sent her on a mission to get me to wake up and turn my aircon off. She took it so seriously lah. And she kept on kissing me to wake me up. See lah. Some idiot went and gave her the idea that if you kiss a frog, he might turn into a prince. So now I look like a frog lah! Sorry darling. No prince.

She also said something like "Abang! Wake up! The sun... The sun... The sun... (didn know how to describe that the sun was in the sky) It's not night time!" Haha. Soooo cuuuuute!

She's adorable as hell lah. And this time around she's totally in love with me - she looks for me when I'm not in sight. And she was actually okay with going over to dan's with just me. Usually she asks for mama everywhere she goes. But not this time around. Hehe. Now she's cuter =D

So now there's a dilemma. I have to pairs of dimples that could kill me - RR and Krystle's. Was trying to decide which one was cuter and I couldn't decide. Haiz. Tough one, very very tought one. Haiz. I can melt, literally. Haha.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... there’s really only one thing you can say - 'Sorry'.

2009-09-21T03:09:00.003+08:00

The most memorable raya I've had in years!

Blue contacts for raya. Cutest comment ever was from mak. She thought my eyes were swollen. Haha. Old lady lah. She cant see too well. But it was cute. She semi screamed it out lol.

Okay so as per normal, I stayed up late doing last minute stuff. Clean room, staircase landing, toilet, iron baju raya, some laundry, and lastly sleep. And as predicted, I missed the prayers - which started at 745am. What a surprise.

Waited for the ikea men to deliver and fix our sofa before we left for mak's place. Food was heavenly. I donned shorts and a shirt under my raya outfit to prevent any accidents - and I wasnt disappointed. I dripped sambal on my shorts while eating. Haha. Nice save.

Went to a few houses - Nek Neng's, Nek Yah's and Nek Yon's - before we headed back home. Oh and I made a short stop at Braddell Heights firepost to disturb Kenny and Woon Te. Felt good to be back in that haunted firepost man.

I did a little people watching today. There are 3 types of people around me:

Type 1: The sly type. They say something nice like "Hey you look so healthy!". What they really meant was "Hey you look so fat!".

Type 2: The direct type. They say something really not nice like "Eh you fat ah now.". And they meant it.

Type 3: The beat around the bush type. They say something bad first, like "Eh you putting on alot of weight ah you...". And they twist it around, "But that's a good thing right? At least you're eating.". And they twist it again, "But you should start exercising. Do you?". And they twist it yet again, "Dont try too hard, if you have to be fat now, be fat. It'll get better once this is over.".

I'm not sure which one's the best. I dont really care, to be honest. If you cant accept me for who I am, then bugger off. I dont need superficial freaks in my life. But it was fun watching the many different ways people were trying to describe me. Lol.

Here's the strange thing: People almost never come to my place on the first day of raya. And today, an entire battalion came over. Like 5 families at one shot. 6, if you count mine in. Got pretty chaotic, what with the kids messing around with the piano, parents talking and laughing, kids fighting over the swing, kids falling off the swing, gaby and dan running around shouting. You get the idea. Mayhem.

But for the first time ever in my life, and one of the things that made the day so memorable, a chinese girl came over to my place for a visit! Might I add that she's absolutely gorgeous, with killer dimples. Haha. And despite her declaring that she's self-absorbed and everything, she's actually a really really nice person. Who cares if you're self-absorbed? Not me. I'm happy to find another egomaniac like me lol. Thanks for brightening up my raya celebrations!

Dropped by alia/shahira's house after that - I was late and people were already leaving. I'm starting to think that the donuts were more of a peace offering than a gift lol. Told Alia it was alright if she left, but as always, some people just love being nice. Seriously. You didn have to.

Might have been a little too blunt with aisha. Sorry, but I did ask if I could be frank and blunt and she said yes lol. Anyway, despite not actually knowing anwar, I'm pretty sure my suspicions are true. It's called jealousy, people. Trust me nothing else (other than maybe the death of a loved one) can upset a man so badly that he doesnt even have it in him to try to look happy, even with the person whose heart he's trying to steal. I could be wrong, but it's possible, right? And she got all worked up, pretending not to care, but actually caring, and pretending like she didn care. It was amusing! Haha. Then again, none of my business I guess. I'm really sorry if I crossed the line.

Aunty was as lovely as ever. She reminds me of a mother hen - so warm and caring and fusses over you alot. I dont mean that in any negative way. It's really very welcoming. Very very nice of her. Alia's right. Everybody loves her mum. =D

Aina looked like a tourist - walking around the house with the camera slung around her neck. Lol. I have a vague memory of her working at boost. I bought boost juice from her every other day without knowing she's related to two people that I knew lol.

Ended up playing fifa street with aniq. I swear. I didn mean to bully him! But I really do not play console games because I suck at it. Beginner's luck, I say.

Went back to mak's place to eat. Mak gets worried when I dont eat when I'm supposed to. So I decided to put her at ease. Ate dinner at midnight. Lol. Disturbed dan before she went to bed. She told me I could sleep on the floor next to her cuz no space in her cot. So sweet. But cannot use any of her pillows. Lol. Gaby was looking for me before she went to bed too. I feel so loved.

Well it's been one heck of a day. Thanks to everyone who made it almost perfect - Dimples, Shoshan Shahs, Princesses, Gups, Crew of Alpha 334, Abdullahs, Family, Wayne Rooney, Darren Fletcher and Uncle Owen. Yawn. Sleep time. Beloved cousins tmr, maybe. We'll see.

Because I think its important to take the time to tell the people you love how much you love them while they can still hear you.

2009-09-19T10:34:00.002+08:00

Dont you just hate it when people think that they know you so well?

I don't care lah. Haha. Now only say. Later hear voice melt all over again.
Haha. I know.
Shut up.
Haha.
Go and die.
Hehe.

Don't you hate it even more when the people who think that they know you so well actually do?

You have no idea how thankful I am to have you in my life. So maybe the pedo has given in, but I'm wondering how things'll work out on my side. I dont think girls will take too well to the idea of their guy's ex being his bff. Well we'll see how that works out.

What I'm wondering is how things'll be when the girlfriend comes first. Haha. That's a really really interesting thought. Bet you wont like it. But hello. Welcome to my life. Just do what I'm doing - suck it up and dont be a bitch about it thanks. Haha. Shut up. No, seriously. Shut up.

Room and painting and all is so effed up I'm not even gonna mention anything else about it. Knnbccbomgbbqwtf.

Grey's is coming back in a few days! Damn I hope tv-videos.net has them. That would be awesome.

So now what the hell am I supposed to do? Smother you with a pillow? Shoot you up with an overdose of morphine? Not really psyched about that. Leave you? Not really psyched about that either. So I guess I'm kinda screwed. Not as bad as you, but not a freakin walk in the park either.

2009-09-17T01:51:00.002+08:00

Went back to station after buka today. Met my OMAR! Omg. It's been ages since I saw my Omar sia. My personal stuffed penguin. Go away Fung Wee.

Had to meet LT Goh to take my new ezlink card. Met wak diyana djoko tintin jeremy cheknorrahmad luqman Q shannon kenny lyly din. Nazar was out for call :(

Went out for drinks with fazly Q shannon kenny. They told me like a shitload of stories about weird happenings at work. Haha. Station and firepost are haunted places lol. Well it doesnt help matters, working with dead bodies from time to time.

The story that intrigued me the most went something like this: Okay firstly an ambulance crew is made up of a paramedic, a medic and a driver. So when loading a patient into an ambulance, the medic will lift the stretcher and push it in, while the other two support from the sides. Medic secures stretcher hops into the ambulance, driver double checks and closes doors.

So the story was, the patient collapsed - meaning his heart stopped beating, and the medic had already started CPR. In collapse cases, things are done a little differently - the medic still loads the patient in, but the paramedic would already be inside the ambulance, continuing CPR. Driver supports.

So that was exactly what happened. The medic had already hopped into the ambulance and was about to take over CPR when he looked out of the door, past the driver. He froze for a few seconds, and said out loud, "Come in, faster!". The paramedic and driver found the urge to hurry normal but the freezing pause wasnt. They didn think too much into it - the patient's life was in their hands. So they made their way to hospital.

Enroute, the paramedic noticed that the medic was alittle dazed. And he was sweating like mad.

After the patient was handed over to the hospital's ER staff, the paramedic decided to ask what happened. And that's when the story came out...

My friend had hopped into the ambulance, ready to take over CPR from the paramedic. When he looked up, he saw someone standing behind the driver, peering into the ambulace. Guess who it was? The same guy who was in the stretcher. Same face, same clothes.

He believed it was the patient's spirit looking in. That was why he said "Come in, faster!". It's a chinese thing. Something about making it easier for the spirit to find the body.

Anyway, according to my friend, the driver closed the doors before anything could happen, so he supposes that the spirit didn get in. The guy died at the hospital by the way. Sad right? Not to mention freaky.

Okay. Freak. I'm getting goosebumps. Haha. Nothing like scaring yourself silly at 2am in the morning.

**********

So. Yeah. Shit happens lol. I've had a few weird encounters too but none as weird as that one lol. Personally weird things happen to me and diyana after almost every dead on arrival case. There was that weird man wearing red on the 11th floor's lift landing just staring into the lift at 4am. And then there was the time that amalina and me both smelt blood in the dorm. And the sound of footsteps approaching the dorm in the middle of the night yet nobody appeared. That kinda stuff. Maybe it's just their way of saying 'thanks for trying'. Well thanks for not haunting us. We really do all we can to save lives. Well I did anyway. Btw drunkards are in no danger of dying. Therefore my statement stands true.

Haiz. I miss work.

Okay okay. I have 3 days to complete my painting. Plan is to finish the sealer by tonight. 2 coats of paint by Friday. Saturday let the paint dry. Move everything back into place by saturday night. And on Sunday, CAMP AT MAK'S HOUSE AND PIG OUT.

I can almost taste it. Mak's lontong. And the sambal goreng made out purely of paru. And the sambal prawns. And and the serunding daging. And and the rendang chicken. Oh daaaaamn. And cik nab will probably provide some sambal sotong. Ahhhhh. Heavennn.

Oh and the new sofa arrives on sunday! Which means we wont be doing much jalan rayaing this year! Yay! Haha. The routine a few years back used to be mak's > nyayi's > yayi boh's > nek neng > nek yah > nek yon > mak's. Okay mama always tries to fit in many many many more houses between nek yah's and mak's but we have a good teamwork going on in the family - the kakak baba me combo. This year baba's away, so I'm gussing it will be the kakak manaal me combo. We'll win this war somehow. Oh and nyayi's and yayi boh's are no longer applicable now.

Oh and out of the houses mentioned above, mak's will have food. Nek yah's will have food. Nek yon's will have food. Wah. That's alot of food man. *shakes head* Haiz.

I shall try to perfect my maggi goreng mamak after raya. Haha. I'm starting to cook. So proud of myself. It would be nice if SOMEBODY could like teach me abit. I'm sure you don't just bake right? Haha.

Note to self: Send out the damn cacat application form already! Tmr eh! Promise? Promise. Good.

The sign for "sorry" is made by forming either an "a" or an "s" with your right hand (clenched fist). Rotate your hand over your heart in a few clockwise motions. This sign can be used to mean "apologize" or "regret."

Dont trust something that can bleed for 5 days and not die. *Does "sorry" sign*

2009-09-16T12:01:00.002+08:00

It's funny how I saw this coming a long long time ago, how it would affect me in future, and I just stood by and let it happen. Oh so painfully funny.

Haiz

Painting's not going according to schedule. Haha. Surprise.

Okay I'm having some kind of block. Mind's everywhere thanks to the event coming up this sunday. Time to start work.

Somebody wants you. Somebody needs you. Somebody dreams about you every single night. Somebody cant breathe without you, it's lonely. Somebody hopes someday you will see - Somebody's me.

2009-09-13T01:45:00.002+08:00

Wow. Yesterday was the worst chemo ever. By far. I was practically going insane in there. It was so bad that I couldnt smile. I couldnt talk. And I spent about a total of 2 hours over the vomit bowl? Haha.

So maybe I have some psychologic allergy to that place. I was thinking about chemo on thursday night, and I started feeling the nausea creep up on me slowly. On friday, I couldnt fast, and mama bought me macs. I couldnt finish half the meal. First freakin time ever. And once I was in the centre, I just felt worse. It didn help that I forgot to bring my appointment card along.

The 4-5 hours of chemo were the darkest hours since waking up after my biopsy. Seriously. Im not used to not being able to smile.

So anyway, I've spent pretty much the last 24 hours with my teeth clenched tight cuz its about the only thing that can keep the urge to hurl at bay. And I need some practice at barfing. Why cant I freaking barf?? Damn cacat.

Missed the 630 alarm in the morning. =S

Woke up at around 9, found gaby in mama's room. Played with her for awhile, and started to feel nauseous so I went straight back to my room and knocked myself out. Lol. Stayed in bed pretty much the entire day, felt fine by noon. Somehow.

The thought of peanut butter cookies are making me jealous lol.

Broke fast at mak's place - where I spent the next 2-3 hours watching Dan and Gaby act like spoilt brats, enemies, best of friends, sisters. Pretty amazing lol. No grudges even after all the tears. Weird.

Missed arep's band performance at B&J's chunk fest @ marina barrage. Didn feel like going out. Not to a damn crowded place anyway.

Didn even feel like going over to puss's to watch the match. Mood swings are getting to me I think.

Someone sounds really cute right after waking up, and right before falling asleep. All that slurring and little girly giggles. *shakes head*

Listenin to Bob Marley at 3.50am. Rhasta monnn.

Im falling asleep. Mama's not gonna have a good time trying to wake me up for sahur if I do fall asleep. Well, good luck to her. Please dont give up on me. Son needs food.

Figured if my heart stopped beating, it wouldn't hurt so much. (My sentiments exactly, 24 hours ago.)

2009-09-10T00:07:00.002+08:00

After almost a decade, the colour of the walls in my room is going to change! Sweet. It's currently blue and red. It'll be spellbound soon - which is a maroonish colour. I saw the colour on nippon paint's web and it caught my eye. A few hours later, Alia recommended me the exact same colour, on the exact same website lol. Thanks. And now we have another thing in common - we have extremely great taste. And once again, I say screw olive's theory. Haha.

So anyway, the painting plan was initially today wipe the walls, leave to dry for 24 hours. Tmr, apply sealer to the walls, leave to dry for 24 hours. Friday, first coating of paint. Saturday 2nd coating of paint.

But now.... It might take awhile lol. I forgot that I have chemo on friday. That kinda puts me out of action for a few days. Damn.

Right now all my furniture's islanded in the middle of my room. And my bed is in the girl's room - in other words, I have no place to sleep for the next few nights. Great. Someone be nice please.

Went out with my lovely cousins today. Dinner. Crazy crazy affair. I thought it would be awkward, which it was at first hahahahahahaha, but it turned out to be damn fun. If only more people could show up. Okay next outing we dont use money k. So all get to go. I say beach outing. We'll see.

Did a little testing. I'm not suited to walk with my arm wrapped around someone tall like nab - whose hip bone btw is higher than mine. She has super long legs. He legs are so long that her hip bone is like somewhere near my shoulder sia. Anyway. No tall girls for me lol.

I want to get a cool vest. Saw a pic of Shan Wee in it. Looked damn cool. Wonder if I can pull it off without looking mat-ish. That tan jacket was cool too =D

Got to meet the lawyer today! After almost 3 weeks lol. Her smile..............

She smiled the kind of smile that would have stopped my heart if it were still beating

2009-09-08T12:35:00.002+08:00

Puss: Girls just make you normal. They make you what society wants you to be - what THEY want you to be. They make you think that you need them to improve your life. Girls are the answer for you to upgrade yourself. And you dont need them for an esteem boost. You were way better off being in your comfort zone. That's what I think.

Haha. That's funny as hell. I told him I'll get back to him in a decade to see if he's changed his mind by then. I'm pretty sure he will - unless he wants to remain a bachelor all his life. Puss puss. Always good value for money.

Wei Sheng and Aisyah were talking the other day while on the way back from ECP. It wasnt eavesdropping lah. We were in a car, and if they wanted it to be a secret they could've waited till after they drop us before talking. So anyway, WS was asking ais whether she had anything for sahur. Wei Shend (a chinese, evidently) fasts. Typical of me, being straightforward and curious, I asked them about that. Wei Sheng's going to convert in time. Yes, he'll finally be one of us some day.

Which, after (and ironically, despite) all I've seen in life, is just... Wow. Okay so one of my cousins has had a chinese girlfriend for years. My neighbour has had a chinese girlfriend for years. And my other cousin has this fetish for chinese boyfriends (for years too). But I didn't see how real it gets till that night. I guess for some people, fairy tales do come true huh?

And really, I wish those two idiots the best of luck. Hopefully someday they'll get married, and live happily ever after. Was telling alia, they're my model couple at the moment. And that I'm a big bodoh - three days after the whole thing happened then I feel awed.

And again, as I was telling alia, if these two idiots ever break up, then I'll lose all hope. "People aren't meant to stay together" will be the new headline of my life. And I'll go walk that freaking path alone.

I love webcam sessions with Venice! We do the craziest things ever. Like spell casting, high fives, and the most insane yet - last night we played cheekopak. Lol. I have nooo idea how we get these ideas but it's really stress relieving, I swear. And I have the screenshots to prove it! =D Thanks for everything little miss medium ng.

Gups I'm jealous. You talk about your 2A 2A 2A and here I am thinking 2B 2B 2B. And my parents still wont approve. Even after I told them "I can do it with your knowledge, or without. Your choice.". That didn turn out the way I planned it in my mind. New tactics soon. I'll think of something.

Cleaned the toilet, staircase, staircase landing yesterday. I MIGHT start on the living room today if I have the mood. And I'll be watching the toilet staircase and landing like a hawk. One tiny hair out of place and I'll swoop down on the culprit and tie you to the back of my room door. You have been warned ahh. Nawal especially. Nose and manaal also included ah.

Oh and it's a load off my chest after putting everything out on the table. I was going crazy the last few weeks lah. Let's just hope now that you dont run. Haha. Thanks, I guess.

So what was the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn't break any spells?

2009-09-07T03:47:00.001+08:00

Woah.

Sometimes the number of words doesnt affect the meaning of what is being said

2009-09-06T13:54:00.002+08:00

Dinnered with the guys (and girl) at Bedok Corner last night! Met up with Auzaan and Aisyah in Pasir Ris before making our way down. In the end Mamak, Uso, Afiq, WeiSheng and Maggeh also showed up. Not a bad turnout lol. And I made a wrong prediction lol. Oh well. At least I got the hazwan prediction right. He didn show till past 9. Pfft. Typical.

The Cockles Fried Kueh Teow at bedok corner is heaven, I swear. The only scary part was that the cockles were alittle tooooo raw for my liking - considering that I'm not allowed to eat raw food. I did ask for the cockles to be extra cooked. Thrice. But the stupid lady didn entertain. Auzaan ordered the same thing, without the beansprouts. They didn entertain that either untill he made this whole story up about being allergic to them. Lol. Damn funny. Allergic to taugeh. Total bullshit lol.

Maggi smokes now. So much for him using "Us non-smokers" a few months back. Lol. Maggi smokes. Lol.

Went to East Coast Park after dinner to just chill and let the food digest. Ended up at carpark c4 cuz everywhere else was packed. Terrible, east coast on a weekend night.

We found seats near this reflexology pebble path of some sort. I havent seen one of those in ages man. Anyway, I thought it would hurt like mad, considering that I'm no longer anywhere near being the thinnest person around, but surprisingly I had no problems with it lol. I was practically running along the path without feeling much pain. Raced Wei Sheng - he cheated, he cut through the middle of the path - and I still won. Lol. Must be the chemo. Kinda numbs the senses a little.

Played Bluff with puss win and win's friend. Rofl. Puss won. Damn him. Win had a half deck. Lol.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

2009-09-04T23:27:00.004+08:00

Okay so yesterday went out for dinner with Dan's family. Nothing eventful, other than the fight between Dan and the crab. Video's on facebook. Totally scared the crap out of her. Literally. Lucky she had diapers on.

Today, side effects are finally gone. Thank god. Thought I'd play it safe you know, stay home, be a good boy. Totally shouldnt have played it safe man. It's boring as hell staying home on a friday night.

Since I didn have anything else to do, I decided to watch some tv. What was on? Soccer. RHB Singapore Cup quarter finals. Albirex vs Tampines Rovers. I actually watched the match lol. Hilarious. Here comes the bitching...

Commentators were terrible. 'Frustratred' was pronounced as 'fustrated' over and over. Explained stuff as if the people at home were idiots.
One of the players pointed his middle finger on live television while the cam was focused on him.
The Albirex coach was overly vocal. Even when Wenger/Fergie/Rafe loose their cool, they're still cool. This guy? Not cool. At all.
The players dived every few seconds. All Robert Pires wannabes.
The referee didn control the game well. Totally indecisive.
Tampines Rovers keeper kicks like Ben Foster. Terrible. Terrible.
And the tactics Tampines Rovers used? Pathetic. There's time wasting, and then there's that stun they pulled just now. All of a sudden all their players had cramps lah. Keeper took his own time to take goal kicks. Players take their own sweet time to walk off the pitch after getting subbed. Alot of bullshit from Tampines lol. And the damn ref didn even give out cards for time wasting lah. Noob.

Anyway, I was rooting for Albirex after I saw how Tampines Rovers were playing. When they scored that super late goal, I shouted GOOOAAAAAAAL as if it was some manu match lol. Anyway, they won the penalty shoot out. Good for them. Love that fighting spirit. They didn give up till the last second. Baiiik.

There are so many things that I need to do. But I'm just too lazy.
Make passport.
Collect ez link card from LTA Goh.
Send in cacat application form.
Start chinese class.
Finish online programming lessons.
Start programming class.

I must be out of my mind. I had this sudden impulsive idea of joining a baseball club. Idea popped up like an hour ago. And I've already sent out emails to SBSA and SRC requesting more info. Lol. I think maybe that's exactly what I need. Some form of commitment. Some form of regular exercise. Haha. We'll see. I really hope this works out.

Time to show them what the fat man might still be capable of lol.

Talking about wants... I want to take you to my favourite spot. I want to watch the sun set with you in my arms. I want to be there for you when you feel like the whole world's against you. I want to hold your hand and walk in the rain with you - dance if you promise to not laugh at me. I want to look into your eyes and realise, somehow, that I get to keep you forever. I want... you.

Shut up. You dont get to judge. Bald people have emotions too you know.

Weird conversation with puss. I think it was a heart to heart talk. I'm not too sure. But we were throwing thoughts out on the table, constantly disagreeing with whatever the other person said. Pretty interesting I must say. Got the brain working alright. Now I'm off for a jog. And maybe its time to rethink my life. Lol.

Yes, you should save your energy to torment Jacob some more. You wouldn't want to leave any part of him unharmed.

2009-09-02T01:28:00.003+08:00

Okay so today was the first time ever that I watched a 3D movie. Final Destination in 3D with the teacher. It was.... one heck of a jakun experience. Sure it was cool and all, but frankly I would've enjoyed the movie so much more if it wasn't 3D. The specs just gave me a headache, and you need to concentrate on really watching the movie cuz you'll be looking at many different things at once and it really takes awhile to focus your eyes on what you want to see. Not sure if that made sense, but it just irritated the heck out of me.

The movie itself was okay. Predictable and gory, that's about the only two words I can use to describe it. Definitely worth not watching lol.

Oh and check this. I was already suffering from a nausea attack before the movie. Watching that much gore should have easily made me puke, but I'm now so sadistic - thanks largely to my medic days - that it was a smooth ride throughout the show. Definitely not one of the smarter ideas I've had in life, but I lived through it. Cool huh. Proud of not puking.

Should have watched The Proposal for a third time. That would've been a better waste of time than Final Destination lol. I am so choosing the next movie gups. Either some totally MAN movie, or a total chick flick. You'll see. I'll make you suffer. Us scorpios very revengeful one.

Got punched while crossing the road outside TM. Some idiot punched me so hard, I was reeling from the pain. Okay so it didn't hurt THAT bad, but it was one of those possible-internal-injury kind of pain. When I turned, I just saw red. Literally. And gups went "Hey, isn't that your sister?". Yes. Kakak was in her red sweater. Idiot punched me. Sign of affection, I think. Nevermiiind. Birthday girl, give chance.

Bumped into mama and mad at pasir ris mrt! Haha. Intro went something like "Teacher, meet the lesbian, and uh, the other lesbian. Lesbians, teacher." Haha. Typical wazzo.

Kakak's birthday. We ate at Chef Bob's. I'm not sure what's the name of that place. Sedap Corner? It's somewhere in Simpang Bedok. Food's not bad. Calamari, wedges, prawn and scallop trellis and all the other sides are heavenly. Wasnt one of the better birthday dinners. Kakak just fought with that gay boyfriend of hers so she was kinda moody. Okay. Not kinda moody. Very extremely absolutely moody. Lucky her birthday ah. If not I'd have been the perfect little brother - piss her off till she snapped. Haha.

Häagen-Dazsed after dinner. Siglap outlet. I had my cookies and cream ice cream with brownie. Omfg. Heavenly. Nobody else in the family likes brownies for some reason. Tried educating their tastebuds but all so unwilling. Tsk. Nvm. I get a bigger share of heaven all to myself. Ahh. Of course, took away like a total of 7 pints of ice cream - 4 cookies and creams and 3 macadamias. Pfft. Everyone loved macadamia once upon a time. Everyone except me that is. True blue cookies and cream loyal here. Now nawal and manaal both jumping on the band wagon. Pfft.

I was so tired (and full) that I refused to drive home. I was already falling asleep at the table while eating ice cream, I knew I didn have it in me to drive home safely. (I could have driven home lah, but I'd be driving at like 50km/h behind some slow ass truck cuz I'd be too lazy to overtake. Cacat.) And I was right. I fell asleep before we even touched the expressway.

Next thing I knew, mama was asking me to get out of the car. Unloaded my loot of ice cream, banged my head against the top of the door, twice, and went up the stairs slowly. Once in my room, I got as far as changing into my boxers - nothing beats living freeeeee, if you get what I mean - and bam. Instant knockout.

And so here I am, ranting to myself at 2am in the morning. Nice.

You hate me? That's good. Hate is a passionate emotion.

2009-08-30T17:52:00.002+08:00

For pure entertainment purposes, I shall leave the previous entry as it is. I was uploading pics, videos and blogging till the sun was up in the sky. Was so tired and high that I didn really know what I was doing. Apparently couldnt even type properly, and couldnt be bothered to correct typos either. Haha. Cacat.

Anyway, where was I? Yes. Soccer. The match was just one action packed, emotion-filled, drama-like movie. I swear. We laughed, cheered with joy, shouted in outrage, cursed, predicted next course of actions, had our own input of dialogue. It was pure fun.

So our Machester United won the match 2-1. Sure, we did play catch up, we did earn goals from a penalty and a perfectly headed own goal, we did get an offside ruling at the very last minute to deny arsenal the draw they so clearly expected/wanted, and yes, we were clearly the luckiest sons of guns (Ha! Just had to fit that in somehow!). Oh and let's not forget that lord of through balls Fabregas was injured. Whine all you want gunners, a win's a win ^^

The funniest moments of the match had to be when Abou Diaby headed the ball into the back of his own net, and the funnier one yet was when Arsene Wenger was sent off into the stands. Lol. It looked daaamn cacat, Arsene stepping across his own people to get to the stands, while manu fans pointed to him where he should stand. Haha. Oh sweet memories.

YOU. Haha. Ask tom to burn his jersey and come over to the good side lah. And if he already bought you a gunners' jersey, go send it back to the shop, saying you made a huge mistake and bought the wrong club's jersey. Hehe. And if that fails, and burning it poses as a fire hazard, well, you can always use it as a rag ^^

Haha okay okay. A peace treaty is in order. It's just soccer riiiight? I'll still love you just the same, even if you dont turn the jersey into a piece of rag. =D

I have no idea what happened between Blizz and Lisa last night. Blizz is a game admin and Lisa's a game moderator. They added other admins and mods to the same conversation on msn, and somehow or other ended up talking about how Blizz.... Yeah well it was pretty descriptive in a total cover-your-eyes-if-you-dont-wanna-go-blind kind of way. It was seriously VERY VERY descriptive. Apparently lisa gave blizz some tips on how to score with his girlfriend. And they were discussing and trading tactics. Haha. Thanks alot guys.

Puss is being a total weirdo. I dont understand all his sudden copy and paste from god knows who's chat window stunts. Cant be bothered, knowing his history so well, the full story will only come out about half a year later at least. Puss will always be puss.

Gups stayed up past sunrise with me! Thanks! And yeah... Thanks for the balding jibe on facebook eh. How could you forget me. Feelings hurted deep deep tau. Haha. Lucky I got alot babat. Ha! Go figure that one out. I can make cryptic sentences know.

Okay. Half an hour to go to breaking fast time. Oh did I mention I didn eat my anti-nausea meds a second day running? Hero. Not feeling too smart (or heroic) at the moment tho.

I forgot to say outloud how beautiful you really are.

2009-08-30T04:57:00.003+08:00

Okay so we buka-ed on some pasta plus potatoes thing that mama cooked. Not enough salt apparently lol. So I managed to save the thing by adding baked beans. Made it a weeee bit better. Oh and I cooked the Dendengs. Thank you thank you. Frying the strips of meat was soooo difficult. *rollseyes*

Headed down to Aisyah's for Syafiq's surprise birthday party. The theme was "Juventus" - referring to Syafiq's favourite soccer team. So the idea was to be dressed in black and white. Since I had no zebra costumes at home, or anything that remotely looks like an inmate's overalls, I made do with an all white outfit. At least I wouldnt stand out that badly.

Surprise so totally worked. The decorations were up, cake ready, finger food set, everyone except the perpetually late mama was there, lights were turned off. Syafiq said "I heard all your voices lol" before he knocked on the door. Haha. We forgot to station a lookout for the birthday boy. Genius.

Cake cutting - Aisyah used magic relighting candles on the cake. It was supposed to only fool the birthday boy, but puss was also dead amused by it for some reason. Dumbass. Camera died on me halfway thru the cake cutting - it was brand new, but i bought it from malaysia about a year back. Didn know batteries have an expiry date. Maybe it's cuz the batts were made in malaysia? Lol.

Rushed over to Wei Sheng's place to catch the MANU vs Arsenal match. 3 cars and a bike made the trip over to Wei Sheng's. So it's either my car's dead heavy with a small engine, or I'm the least reckless of drivers, cuz I was the last to reach there lol. And I was driving at 95-100 the entire way. Lol.

Match was so full of emotions lol. Alot of jokes and poking fun at other players and what nots. I have no idea what else to say. I'm like short on sleep lol I'll continue or edit this or whatever when I wake up.

Blizz and lisa were talking dirty while I was in the conversation. They thought i was asleep. what bang whose girlfriend till eye pop lah, ex is underaged lah, wtf i dont get it. I'll read everything again when I wake. Damn cacat know these people.

puss hahah dont knwo what girl interesting ntah apa crap. dont get it, tmr reread chat logs.

talked to gups. funny hahaha dont knwo what else.

Ha. chcanes are iwont remember everything that happened tonight when i wake up. so better to dump whatever i can remember even if its coming out in short doesnt make sense to anyone but me sentences.

2009-08-29T17:19:00.003+08:00

Hey there.
I'm writing to you,
Not to tell you I still hate you.
Just to ask how you feel.
And why we fell apart,
Why this fell apart.

Are you happy out the in this great wide world?
Do you still see the sunsets?
Do you miss bein a little girl?
When you lean your head down,
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if I'm alright?

But I'm alright,
I'm alright...

It's been a long hard road without you here by my side.
Why weren't you there all the nights that I cried?
You broke my bloody heart,
You broke me for life.
It's not okay,
But I'm alright.
I remember the days when you are always in my eyes,
But those are just long lost memories of mine.
Now I'm just writing to let you know I'm still alive...

Emotionless - Edited a little cuz the song was one of those dad-son songs lol.

2009-08-29T12:55:00.002+08:00

So much for telling mama that I was gonna cook my own maggi for sahur. The ENTIRE family tried waking me up at 4, with intervals of 5 minutes. And nothing worked. I was just dead. When I finally did get up, I went to the toilet - squinted at myself in the mirror - turned, went back to my room and threw myself on the bed. Instanty asleep lol. Now I'm gonna suffer till buka. Oh well. I didn even take my anti-nausea meds. This wont end well.

Yeah that's how treatment is. Rocks my socks.

Anyway, broke fast with the kentalest person I know - Zainab - yesterday. Haha. ZAInab. Hahaha. She's in denial about her name. Funny little thing. Talked like from 730 to midnight. A cockroach climbed onto her foot sometime during the night, scared the crap out of her. I did cpr on her tummy. Lol. You goddamn thin sia. Go and die thanks.

And I just discovered something about us - What is wrong with this family? Why's everyone not going after malays?!? Zainab, Min, Me. Atiqah's one is one sesat one. Only Ameerah has a malay bf. There's just something wrong with us ah....

Anyway, we need to do this hangout thing more often. I dont care if 1 person shows up or 10 people do. Let's just go and hang out on friday nights k.

Party + Soccer up to 3am later! Haha. I am so fucked.

Think I know where you belong. Think I know that it's with me.

2009-08-28T01:38:00.002+08:00

Okay. TV was dead boring earlier on at 8pm to 10pm. And over the last 10 minutes I've muttered "wtf?" to myself thrice cuz I'm amused. Lol. That damn magix box kills braincells faster than chemo man...

Bought a new bolster and pillow from Giant. Jean Perry. It's super fluffy. Very very comfortable. But now we have a new problem: I might have too many pillows now. In total I have.... 5 pillows and a bolster. Nice. Oooooo. Thought just occured to me. Now I can share my bed with someone! Ha. I'll let my Vanessa Hudgens know about it soon. *Coughsssssss*delusional*coughsss*

Not looking forward to tmr. I know it's gonna suck. Haiz.

Oh. Note to self: Bring Rachel's charger tmr!

Self-inflicted torture

2009-08-27T01:27:00.002+08:00

OMFG. I just found evidence of how much of a loser I am. I found a draft saved in some obscure folder in my mail which contained a poem that I wrote for someone for valentine's day last year. ROFL. Omg. I. Made. A. Poem. Lol lol lol.

Lol.

Rofl.

Lol.

Ouch

2009-08-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

"Haha, no it doesn't! What kind of proposal is THAT? An inferred one?" - Alia

Lol. I've always loved the proposal scene from Definitely, Maybe. "Will you, uhm, marry me?". Smooth. Someday when my turn does come along, I hope it's as smooth, but it's going to be different. It has to be original. I'll think of something.

But ah, after reading FML.com, I'm starting to have second thoughts. Apparently rejection happens alot lol. After you go all out, all sickly sweet, all romantic, after you spill your guts out, and you get rejected.... Well that's gonna take awhile to recover from. Lol. FML.

Okay, a random thought. The world expects everyone to be so dignified. It's so irritating. We're allowed to break free sometimes... Have fun, you know. Break the rules. Go away, leave me alone kind of freedom. Well, I can dream.

And while on that topic. Hello! I've dropped hints, and I have a fair few medics and paramedics on my friends list on facebook. I said my NUMBER 3 is ready! Come on already. Less dignity please! Someone invite me back to work pleaaase! One or two calls and that'll be enough to break the monotony. DIYANA! HELLO! I'M YOUR MEDIC! PLEASE GET MY HINT! Haha. I'll try dropping another hint of facebook sometime soon.

Just talked to my makcik Ressa. Because of something I said, she now thinks I'm in love with Alia. She gave me tips lool! So totally jumped the gun. Sure I inferred a proposal to her last night, but I'm not in love with her! Thanks makcik.

You know I love you alia. Dont merajuk k. ^_^

I'm losing my memory. I bought a drink in Geylang. Then drove home. I got thirsty in the car so I asked for water. Nawal had a half full bottle of mineral water. It wasnt enough so I stopped at a 7-11 along the way to buy a drink. When we got home, and as I was getting out of the car, I remembered the drink I bought in geylang. I think my family might be right - chemo's killing my brain cells. Not much to begin with. And now it's an endangered species. Haiz.

Desiree Lai pisses me off. I think she's the worst deejay on 987fm. The midnight slot with Soo was so much better. Only reason Desiree is still around is cuz of the contract she won a few years back I think. Irritating. Anyway, I read about why Soo quit 987fm. You go girl! Haha. I love what she did. Respect, respect.

I'm supposed to dine out with Zainab and the other cousins some day soon. But I hate eating out during the fasting month lah. Everywhere's crowded! We'll see. Maybe we can go out this friday. I think the Ns might be over by then. But then again I'll be post-chemo. Might be tired and moody. Eeeeeeee.

To my beloved OLD cousin out there in Aussie, please hang in there. I know it's not easy but I'm sure you can pull yourself thru this. Everyone here back at home is rooting for you. I'm not saying you must succeed. I'm saying that it's alright if you don't. So dont pressure yourself too much. I feel the strain from the way you talk on msn. I'm not the best motivator or the most comforting person around, but I hope you get what I mean. Stay strong k? Love you, cuzz. (And just in case you dont read my blog regularly, I shall make sure you see this. I'll prolly copy paste the link on your msn window and then go offline. I dont do touchy emotions well ah. Haha.)

Coward.

I notice how I sometimes change and sometimes stick to the topic with each new paragraph in my posts. It's really confusing. Oh well. Can't help it. I'm just cacat that way.

Damn. No quotes to end this post with. I havent been reading much lately. The last book I read was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows... Oh I know. Harry Potter it is.

And his eyes stared without seeing, the ghost of his last laugh still etched upon his face.

2009-08-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

Gups, read this: I give up. I've never been one that's thrilled by the chase. And it seems like this time I'm chasing rainbows and fighting with an eclipse. I cant win that.. So Gups, thanks, but I'm gonna stop here. The race is over. No more chasing.

Jogged in a track top today. The heat reminded me of that dreaded bunker gear! Lol. Let's just never try that again okay. Haha. Kk. Keep this up and I'll be able to pull off wearing a tight tshirt.

I need to go back to station someday. Someday soon. My Number 3 is ironed, hanging behind my room door. All I need is for Diyana to say yes. Just 1 call. Please? But she's like my mum lah. Paranoid. Scared I fall sick. Aiyo...

Was talking to people about relationships today. Apparently 2 of my friends who have been in almost half decade long relationships just broke up with their girls. I know someone who's being divorced by her husband cuz he couldnt deal with her health problems. I know of people with fuck buddies. I know of people being married but sleeping in seperate rooms. I know of people getting divorced multiple times. I hear ALOT of things from so many people for some reason.

What's the deal? Doesn't anyone get into relationships to stay together anymore? Are things really that bad that problems cant be worked out, with divorce coming about eventually? Are happily ever afters only true in fairy tales? I'm scared. Seriously.

Alia mentioned something that I agreed to completely. It was a very simple idea, really. The norm in marriages has changed. People get divorced left right center. So our one desperate wish is to not follow that path. Ever. Alia's exact words were "I dont want to get divorceddddddd". I so totally agree, yo.

Haiz. If only you werent marrying Adz. I might have a shot at my happily ever after. Haha. Does this count as a proposal?

Cuz you're drowning in the water, and I tried to grab your hand. I left my heart open, but you didn understand.

2009-08-22T14:28:00.003+08:00

The proposal has got to be one of the most interesting shows ever invented. To me anyway. If you think Ryan Reynolds was cool as Van Wilder, wait till you see him as Andrew Paxton. Let's stop there so that I dont end up sounding gay.

Sandra Bullock is hot too! Okay. I'm fasting so I should stop there.

Watched the movie twice in two days. First with the fish and yesterday with the lawyer. And I got my GV nachos yesterday. *struts around the room happily*

Someone was having this argument with me about who's naturally hot. Yesterday brought our argument to an end for good I think. As always, when in a cold environment, I was radiating heat. She was radiating frost. I swear.

Oh no... Radiating frost? Is she a vampire?

Thanks for fitting me into your uber packed schedule, lawyer. I'll make another appointment soon k?

Spent last night with the cousins. When I got there, everybody was asleep....

Watched Bride Wars after sahur. Total chick flick lol.

Cutest, rudest, most irritating and adorable thing I heard while I was half asleep - "Bibik biseng ah!". Alyaa Atiqah when bibik woke her up for class. Lol.

Okay now I'm going to sleep. Let's not sin by making up some excuse about chemo and this and that and headache and sick and whatever being the reason I need to sleep. I just need to freakin sleep. I kept getting kicked by Az last night. The two most memorable ones were the ones to the hip and the face. Thanks Az.

What are you allergic to? Pine nuts. And the full spectrum of human emotions.

2009-08-17T20:04:00.002+08:00

Okay this is getting out of hand. Last night, I fell asleep at around 11pm, room lights on, study table lamp on, ignored msgs, ignored calls, and apparently missed my alarm. I usually cant fall asleep if the lights are turned on.

Like that's not bad enough, today, after the medical board meeting, went home, just turned on my fan, slipped into bed fully clothed. Again, ignored msgs, ignored calls, and woke up with a little mystery in my hands - the aircon was on, but my room window was open. The fan was still on. I woke up feeling cold - which wasnt surprising since I found myself only in boxers. Who stripped me while I was asleep lol. And my room door was locked btw.

I'm starting to lose my memory like baba! Oh no! But he's like more than twice my age! That's really FML man...

Okay so medical board meeting.... The SCDF medical officer arrived an hour late for the meeting. Wtf. And the meeting lasted the better part of 3 minutes. Yeah. It went something like this:

Medical Officer: Good afternoon. Fawwaz? Okay have a seat. (Opens my case file)
ME: Good aft...
MO: (Cuts across) Okay we can discharge you from NS. (Closes my case file)
ME: Uhh....

Yes. I was THAT close to getting kicked out of NS. Lol. But as fate would have it, I asked for a chance to be kept in service - mad, I know, but I have a very good reason for that.

Right now, they're paying for my treatment - which adds up to about 2000 bucks a month - give and take a hundred or two. And if I do get kicked out... Well then that 2000 a month will be my problem lol.

I did ask for some time to think it all over. And I think the medical officer gave me 3 months before I see him again. In 3 months my treatment could be over. Would they still allow a discharge then? We'll see. And if I do stay in service, I want my ambulance medic vocation back lol.

So picky ahhh. Lol. We'll see how much I can make things go my way...

Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.